Internet For Assholes
This week: Anonymity for Assholes

Earlier this week I received the following garbled message:

See also...
... by Lou Cabron
... in the Whoa! section
... from September 22, 1999

"Something something BILL GATES something something CODE-WORD CORBIS something something COLLECTION OF PHOTOGRAPHS THAT YOU SEND AS A POSTCARD."

It came with an accompanying URL:

Sure enough, this mysterious site offered eerie collections of disturbing pictures. Scary Clowns! Former child stars! And somewhere in the mix -- dwarfs on a veranda. It opened up a whole new world for me. Why send an anonymous harassing email to someone when (through the use of one of these postcard sites) you could display your message under a pulp-fiction cover like "The Wicked and the Warped," or "Pit Stop Nympho."

The Web site does the rest -- sending your inappropriate and obscene thoughts straight to your target. Most important: entering your name is optional! The asshole potential is considerable. Face it, there are thousands of things you'd say -- virtually an undiscovered universe! -- if you thought you would never have to answer for them. And dark corridors of the Internet make it happen!

A friend once told me he maintains a "people I arbitrarily fuck with" file. For the last two years, he's periodically gone through the list, and sent them harassing postcards. I asked him what they did to get on his list.

There was a long pause. Then he mumbled, "I don't remember. But it was really bad."

The moral? Be sure to keep detailed notes of all the offenses -- real and imagined -- that you plan on avenging.

The assholes at even created "The Insulter," which sends pre-written messages for a variety of categories, like "Hygiene, Appearance, Personality, Miscellaneous..." As a novelty, they allow users to pick one of four levels of rudeness. Watch the nastiness level rise from "you might want to give foreplay a chance" to "there's mind-numbing sex ... and then there's you." For culture buffs, some automatic abuse generators will insult your targets in Shakespearean verse, while others specialize in Pythonesque barbs such as, "go and boil your bottom, you Spam-eating fart."

But why let automatic insult generators lock you into pre-selected choices when you could compose your own offensive text?! The Internet offers dozens of Web sites to leave a message for someone, accompanied by an appropriate (or inappropriate) photo! And what's more fun than leaving off your name? Why, using someone else's, of course!

Masquerade as your boss's wife: "Your impotence is ruining our marriage. I'm sleeping with your brother." Orchestrate a doomed-for-failure workplace romance: "I fantasize about covering your body with cheese. Meet me in the break room tonight at 7." Frame your chief executive for sexual harassment: "Spank me. All night long, baby." Send it under a picture from the Museum of Erotic Art...

Get that special someone a postcard from the lesbian geeks at NerdSlut, emblazoned with glossy messages like "I always make passes at girls who wear glasses," or "Happy birthday you big nerdslut!" Yahoo even has a category for beer postcards... The sky's the limit! Avocados! The Plasmatics! Elvira, Mistress of the Dark! For that special touch, try an erotic postcard from "Zooass!" -- each with its selection of touchingly raunchy messages. ("The Butter is Better at!" "I Took a Bath with a Dirty Old Man at!") Or just send them the picture of Pee-wee Herman. They'll get the message!

Be careful of the reverse mailbomb. Some sites will email you when the page with your message is accessed. And this happens every time it's accessed. Still, it's a formula for asshole fun if someone sends you a postcard from one of these sites! Simply continue accessing it -- and every time, they'll receive yet another email notifying them! Tell your friends to access the page too. Hell, post the URL on Usenet with an appropriate message, such as "hot slutty babes, horny for you."

Nixon had an enemies list, and so should you. Be creative! Express your sentiments in a haiku.

Your moronic views
are floating to the surface
like dog crap in oil.

Having moral qualms about impersonating an innocent person? C'mon -- Rich Little gets paid big money for it in Vegas! Just ask yourself: What would Nixon do?

As the communications revolution progressed, it was inevitable that the Web would move beyond simple low-tech Web postcards. Now you can direct your own movie -- online -- and send your chosen the final cinematic masterpiece! The folks at were promoting some kind of indie film festiā€¦ ah, who cares. Start harassing your online friends with anonymous digital movies!

For the online asshole, it's an evolutionary leap. Why send an anonymous threat as a static postcard when you could send an anonymous and threatening film! Animation -- no matter how primitive -- incorporates that old shamanistic magic trick: the story line. Or in your case: the asshole story line. Here's where the fun starts. Like the anonymous postcard sites, you can input any name.

Directed By:

I Will Kill You at Dawn

One of my friends (the one with the enemies list) sent me a film that was loaded with non-sequiturs.

Character One: "Please help me. I'm blind, and my ass is on fire."

Character Two: "Sorry. All I have is my own urine. Would you like a Star Crunch (tm)"

The End.

If your magnum opus requires more than spooky, unbalanced jibberish, you can try a more direct approach in your allotted two lines of dialogue. For instance, here's how to affect a positive change in your office's morale.

"Come Friday I shall rain bullets on my oppressors."

"That will teach them to cancel 'Doughnut Wednesdays.'"

Now you can select from a variety of musical accompaniments -- rumbas, electric guitars, '70s funk, give it the title "Workplace Dissatisfaction" and then kick back and watch the fun.

One final tip. Don't get caught!

See also:
Stalking for Assholes
Religion for Assholes
Death for Assholes
eBay for Assholes
Portals and Personal Ads for Assholes
Newsgroups for Assholes

Lou Cabron is GettingIt's resident asshole.