Feds Seize Evidence From Feds

WASHINGTON -- Almost seven years after more than 80 men, women, and children were turned into human torches in the Branch Davidian siege near Waco, Texas, an FBI audiotape recording was seized yesterday by Janet Reno's office, which reveals that the FBI did ask for and receive permission to fire "incendiary tear gas devices" during the siege.

See also...
... by Linda Avey Bullock
... in the Whoa! section
... from September 3, 1999

"Federal agents were not aware that 'incendiary' was a synonym for 'inflammable,' and even if they were, nobody could reasonably be expected to keep the words 'inflammable' and 'flammable' straight," said FBI representative John Collingwood.

Asked at a press conference on Wednesday about details regarding the 1993 raid, Janet Reno said, "Branch Davidian Compound? What's a Branch Davidian?"

According to Reno's press agent, the attorney general has called for an "independent inquiry" into the case, one that will be conducted not by the FBI or Justice Department but by an entirely separate arm of the federal government. Candidates for the investigation have been contacted and set up for life by the FBI.

"The feds have a good chance of winning this one," commented a source who asked not to be identified. "These people are lot more photogenic than that Linda Tripp broad."

Collingwood claimed that there was no proof that the combustible canisters they launched actually caused the fire, and added that he was deeply saddened by the knowledge that any such evidence would have burned up in the fire or been lost during the seven years it took to begin the investigation.

The FBI allegation that the Branch Davidian cult members set themselves on fire has long been doubted by conspiracy theorists and other paranoid nutcases.

Former FBI Assistant Director James Kallstrom told CBS This Morning recently, "Who cares? It was a long time ago."

Not surprisingly, the FBI's delayed admission about the use of incendiary tear gas cannisters has brought an outcry on Capitol Hill from enraged congressional Republicans continuing their long-standing battle against intolerance against minority factions.

"I think the attorney general is a big fat liar," said Sen. Phil Gramm, R-Texas, as he picked barbecued pork from his teeth.

An angry Reno responded to Gramm's allegation, calling the Republican senator a "faggot" and a "pussy" and challenged him to "C'mon and fight like a man."


Linda Avey Bullock is the author of two books and, when not actively whining about having to work for a living, writes humor.