Big Hairy Pile Of Whoa!
Pachydermalicious news you can't use

Um, Never Mind, Officer

Talk about your bad luck. Mathew Daly, 27, turned on his flashing red light and made a "routine" traffic stop. Daly was wearing a bulletproof vest, had his gun in plain view and flashed his badge to the driver who had, according to Daly, just run a red light. There was only one problem... Daly wasn't really a cop.

See also...
... by Jeff Morris
... in the Whoa! section
... from November 5, 1999

When the motorist announced that he was a police officer too, Daly handled the situation calmly and professionally -- sprinting to his car and attempting to outrun the real police officer, Anthony Ferrone, through the streets of Manhattan.

Daly now faces charges of impersonating a police officer and criminal possession of a weapon and a bulletproof vest. "He's going to jail," NYPD spokesman Kevin Tyrrell said. "You can't let the guy who thinks he's a cop go. He'll go back to being a cop again."

Things To Do in Denver When You're Naked

Look out, nudists, it looks like you're not welcome in Denver anymore. The Denver City Council expanded a city ordinance on public indecency to include acts of masturbation, genital fondling or the exposing of genitals in public.

In the past, the vagueness of the public indecency law confounded Denver police, who had to find citizens willing to sign complaints in order to arrest offenders. And even if complainants could be found, the law forced Denver cops to charge exhibitionists with disturbing the peace rather than public indecency.

"A young mother strolling through the park with her children doesn't need to be subjected to flashers," said city councilman Ed Thomas. "So men in raincoats, beware. We now have the law-enforcement tools to grab you, so to speak."

God Announces Feminist Sensibilities

Were the feminists who demanded that women burn their bras prophets? Possibly so. Two women walking in London's Hyde Park were struck by lightning and killed, and it appears that their deaths were linked to the metal underwiring of their brassieres.

Coroner Paul Knapman says the underwired bras acted as conductors. He ruled their demise "death by misadventure" (whatever the hell that means). Burn marks indicate that the electrical charge followed the wiring on the bras and killed the women instantly.

"This is only the second time in my experience of 50,000 deaths where lightning has struck the metal in a bra causing death," Knapman said. "But I do not wish to overemphasize any significance."

Animals the World 'Round Revolt!

Recent developments in the world of animals have many wondering if there might be some sort of rebellion underway designed to challenge human supremacy.

In Swinoujscie, Poland, officials have declared war on a herd of wild boar that invaded the city on the Polish-German border, digging up parks and terrorizing tourists.

In Colombia, a fun-filled circus turned into a nightmare for more than 400 spectators when an elephant went wacko and killed its trainer, stomping the man into the ground like a child might crush an aluminum can.

In Amsterdam, Rotterdam zoo officials say their elephants have formed rival gangs. The crisis escalated to the point that zoo staff had to ship one of the gangs off to England. Officials claim the emergence of two rival factions (which zoo workers refer to as the "Tin Tin" gang and the "Irma" gang) is a typical pachyderm power struggle following the death of a leader.

And in Bordeaux, France, A hippopotamus broke out of its enclosure and trampled a French zoo director to death Monday. The mad hippo charged the man as he rode past on a bicycle, a rescue services spokesman said.

But mammals aren't the only so-called "lower" creatures seeking to regain control of the planet; arachnids are getting into the act, too. A British woman who had three sleepless nights with headaches and strange noises in her ear got the shock of her life when her doctor discovered the cause: a large spider living next to her eardrum!


Jeff Morris is a professional journalist who subscribes to the highest ethical standards of reporting... and other magazines, too.

Big Hairy Pile of Whoa runs each Friday on GettingIt.