CRYSTAL CITY, Mo. -- Al Gore's presidential campaign was dealt a serious blow Wednesday when fellow democratic contender Bill Bradley revealed his intention to bore the shit out of the national electorate, a strategy the vice president had been honing for over a decade.

Bradley promised that he would bring the presidency "a new kind of leadership: one that is not at all entertaining." He went on to discuss his core campaign themes, which include health care, campaign finance reform, and other extremely uninteresting topics.

Although campaign watchers maintain that Bradley faces an uphill battle before he reaches the plane of agonizing tedium Gore has achieved, it was apparent that the former senator and New York Knicks star has diligently studied his opponent's style.

A source close to Gore said the vice president was furious in his own calm way that Bradley had not only stolen his trademark monotone, but had taken all of his positions on the issues voters are most indifferent about.

"He was so upset that he left the water running while he was shaving," the source said, adding, "I think I even saw him use aerosol hair spray."

A spokesman for George W. Bush said the Republican candidate was still debating whether to endorse Gore or Bradley. "He's not sure who he would rather spank."