Hancock's Hand Not On Cock, Officials Insist

MUSCOGEE COUNTY, Ga. -- Shortly after "touching up" Emanuel Leutze's painting Washington Crossing the Delaware, Muscogee County school district officials say they also altered elements of John Trumbull's Signing of the Declaration of Independence in the same fifth-grade history textbooks, to eliminate suspicions that the famous signateur is caught "making his mark" in an inappropriate manner.

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Whoa! section
... from October 14, 1999

"This is clearly a case where students could get the wrong idea," said Pearl Jackson, a teacher's aide who did some of the actual revisions. "From the angle of John Hancock's body and the fact that his right hand is not visible in the painting, the conclusion could be drawn by fifth-graders that Mr. Hancock is masturbating -- and furthermore, that Benjamin Franklin is getting a boner watching him."

"We're not saying he's wanking, and we're not saying he isn't," said Mrs. Jackson. "But there could be some inappropriate conclusions drawn, and so the officials felt it was prudent to remove the offending images." In the altered textbooks, Mr. Hancock has been covered up with a pasted-in label that says "NOT WANKING," while Mr. Franklin's crotch has been covered with a happy face.

Despite the controversy caused by the earlier modifications, Mrs. Jackson pointed out the admirable restraint the district showed in choosing not to alter the painting further. "Over in the corner, Representatives William Hooper of North Carolina and George Clymer of Pennsylvania are clearly French kissing. But we chose to leave that in, because it shows the compromise of North and South, which was so important to our nation's founding."


Thomas S. Roche is a GettingIt Staff Writer.  He's pretty sure that Samuel Adams and Richard Henry Lee are jacking each other off, too, but he needs more drugs to be sure.