Has sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
Consider me the willing victim of crimes of passion too numerous to detail here. After a promiscuous life spent dribbling into the fringe, I find that very little turns me on anymore. That old spark is gone. The only thing that gets my juices flowing is the threat of undue harm. I've had my share of psychos, but even they aren't doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of their same old schtick.
Lost that loving feeling
Dear Lost,
I know the cycle, from madman to madman, bouncing off the box springs with would-be Ted Bundy's only to wake up and regret they weren't the next Nightstalker. This situation is serious, and as women who need that extra uumph in our love lives, we can only play the trump card so often before burning out and/or having to face the real repercussions of fucking with the wrong maniac. Fear is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs, but physical battery is not. Tempting fate for too long grows tiresome and impairs our ability to respond to anything less than life threatening. It's time to understand the void within that is only satisfied by the endorphin high that fear can fill. Learn to fill it within yourself. Turn to masturbation and fantasy if necessary. The burden your desire brings to relationships will never be quenched unless you deprogram yourself, and learn to find pleasure, not just over-stimulation. Great sex is often more mental than physical, but I advise you to turn more to the body and give your ultimate dreamscapes a break.
Dear Lydia,
On the surface my partner and I have a great relationship. The only problem is I'm just too embarrassed to share my deep fantasies with her. Our sex is highly charged and mutually satisfying, but my need to be humiliated is causing me to consider visiting a House of Domination. Should I?
Need to feel Naughty
Dear Naughty,
She might be more willing than you think. Most women would love to spank, whip, torture, humiliate, piss on, and perhaps even string up the men in their lives. Give it a shot. I doubt she'll hold it against you if you were to prostrate yourself in front of her, ass raised in the air as you gave her shoes a good tongue bath, murmuring how much you worshiped your mistress. Have a nice, fat leather belt casually draped across the bed. If she laughs and kicks you in the head, try again. If the second attempt fails, try dialoguing. If this gets you nowhere, try a professional. You're sure to get what you need -- if you can afford it. Understand that sex is often not included in the fees incurred. Worst case scenario: Surf the sex clubs in dog collar and backless chaps. Someone's bound to bite.
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.