Has sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
I adore almost everything about my new lover. Great skills, superb timing, the perfect amount of nasty mouth -- there's only one thing missing, he's just not big enough. I can't feel him down there. What can I do?
Signed,
Manhole
Dear Lydia,
All my friends are jealous. I hooked up with a wet dream come true. It's like having my own personal Betty Page blow up doll. Amazing body, beautiful face, sexy outfits and a bank account to boot. The only disappointment is the size of her hole. It swallows me. I stick it in, but can't tell if I'm there or not. She moans and groans and pretends to come, but I can't be sure. I'd get more pleasure from screwing her armpit. I've never had any complaints before, but I'm starting to feel a little inadequate.
Signed,
Pretty Vacant
Dear Manhole & Vacant,
Do you two know each other? Whoever said size doesn't count hasn't read the letters that come through this vault.
In all my years of rampant sexuality I've only met one man who couldn't fill the void. A massive, weight-lifting cock-rocker who played hard until it was time to prove what a big man he was. And even though he was less than substantial, it was still hot, because I knew how to strangle the little meatman with my sugar walls.
Ladies, enough cannot be said about exercising your most precious commodity. Kegel, Kegel, Kegel. Never allow another man to disappoint you again. You can even get a gorgeous chrome muscle-exerciser from your favorite sex shop. Of course, one's not really needed. Just breathe in and squeeze. Hundreds or even thousands of times a day. No one will ever know. I'm working mine right now.
Men, it's sad, but there's not much you can do, other than play on your most endearing attributes. Exercising your favorite muscle will, of course, help with flexibility and control, but you can't really alter the size of what you were given. If you're small, going anal will give you a tighter fit. Buy a strap-on and don't be afraid to use it. Insert Ben- Wa's and give it a go, just don't get them stuck up there. With a little creativity, all of your large -- and small -- problems can be solved.
Lydia
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho-therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.