In 1997, a jury awarded $2.4 million in damages to one Nadine Cool, who had sued her former therapist, Dr. Kenneth Olson, for malpractice. He had convinced her, under hypnosis, that when she was a child her father had forced her to participate in Satanic rituals of human sacrifice. He also convinced her that she possessed no fewer than 126 alternate personalities, including angels, demons and even a duck. She had believed it all -- including the duck -- until she confronted her father with these hideous memories and he dropped dead of a heart attack.
Dr. Olson employed "Recovered Memory Therapy." This offshoot of psychoanalysis holds that most mental problems result from childhood traumas so unspeakably evil that we have blocked all memory of them, and they can only be "recovered" under hypnosis. The types of horror stories unearthed by this therapy usually involve incest, Satanic rituals or abduction by sex-monsters from Outer Space. Ducks are fairly rare.
Many secular humanists hold that these B-movie scenarios are not "recovered" by hypnosis but created by it -- but such infidels are often so sunk in skepticism that they even deny the Virgin Birth and the Face on Mars. Besides, Recovered Memory Therapy has a Politically Correct pedigree: It was popularized by two outstanding Feminist philosophers, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, in their book The Courage to Heal (Harper & Row, 1988). And Satanic rituals were authenticated by Ms. Magazine. Doubting that Satanism exists in every nook and cranny of our republic, at this point, might easily get you convicted of Political Incorrectness. Even doubting the talking duck might get you in trouble at U.C. Santa Cruz.
According to sociologist Jeffrey Victor in his book Satanic Panic (Open Court, Chicago, 1993) there were over 60 mob panics created by Satanic revelations in the years1982-92. And as my grampa used to say, "There's no smoke without fire." Right?
The FBI's Behavioral Science Unit, which deals with serial killers, has even been drawn into the fray, and announced that they have never found any evidence to support the panic. This must mean, of course, that the FBI is part of the cover-up.
Why not? According to leading Recovered Memory expert Dr. Cory Hammond of the University of Utah, the CIA and NASA are both part of the international Satanic cabal, which originated in Nazi Germany. How could the FBI possibly be left out of such a juicy conspiracy?
Secular humanism and Political Incorrectness, however, are both still seducing millions, including some juries. About a month ago, another jury of infidels awarded $850,000 in damages to Joan Hess of Wasau, Wisconsin. She had sued her former therapist, Dr Juan Fernandez III, for persuading her under hypnosis that her father had sexually molested her as a child and forced her into a baby-killing cult, which (he convinced her) resulted in her developing 75 personalities. Like Nadine Cool, Ms. Hess no longer believes any of these memories.
Dr. Fernandez was wearing a tie with a picture of Daffy Duck on it when he was convicted, according to an Associated Press report earlier this month. Maybe Daffy was also the talking duck in the Nadine Cool case? Or, worse yet, is it possible that Daffy Duck is the Devil? Keep an eye on your local media for further Feminist or Fundamentalist revelations.
And never trust a duck.
Robert Anton Wilson is the author of 32 books, including Everything Is Under Control, an encyclopedia of conspiracy theories, and maintains the Web's strangest site. He also serves as CEO of CSICON (the Committee for Surrealist Investigation of Claims of the Normal).