Buchanan Vows To End Bureaucracy In His Own Body

In a campaign speech before a cheering crowd of supporters in Lebanon, New Hampshire yesterday, presidential candidate Patrick Buchanan promised that as part of his crusade against wasteful government spending he would eliminate inefficient bureaucracy within his own body.

See also...
... by Andrew Rosenblum
... in the Whoa! section
... from August 25, 1999

"I'll no longer be held hostage to the demands of my lymphatic system," Buchanan said.  "If it wants more white blood cells it's going to have to get out of bed in the morning and generate them for itself."

Buchanan has long opposed the complex hierarchy of organs and systems within his body because of the detrimental effects such organization has on employment rates among American-born tissue structures.  He fought bitterly against a 1996 decision by his brain to deactivate his liver and begin importing bodily fluids from a maquiladora factory in Matamoros, Mexico. In a fiery 1995 debate on the television program Crossfire, his hypothalamus argued that his body was otherwise unable to produce sufficient bile to keep up with demand, but Buchanan countered that foreign-made steroid acids hinder his ability to emulsify fats.

"It is my inner bureaucracy and its army of ganglions that cost me my liver," said a thundering Buchanan yesterday. "It is only due to my tough stand against invasive top-down decision-making that my heart, my thorax, and my epididymis are still functioning today."

Buchanan has advocated undergoing a lobotomy, which would leave each of his remaining organs free to decide how to best carry out their respective functions. His doctor, Jeffrey Rivkin of the Poe Medical Center in Alexandria, Virginia, has opposed the proposal, arguing that the current systems in place provide the best possible combination of efficiency and inter-organ cooperation.

"It's true that Pat no longer has a functioning liver, but eliminating his brain is not the answer," Dr. Rivkin said.  "Outsourcing some fluid production has resulted in less work for his local organs, but it also means that he's able to produce more volume with the same amount of food. Now he's got more bile than ever to direct at immigrants, homosexuals, free-trading Washington elites, abortion advocates, and communist China."

Andrew Rosenblum writes about music for Mother Jones, has served as an assistant producer for NPR's "Jazz From Lincoln Center," and is a first-year graduate student at UCLA.