WASHINGTON -- As Republican Presidential hopeful Steve Forbes basks in the glow of his second place showing in the Iowa straw poll, citizens across the nation remain steadfast in their belief that Forbes is, according to one Chicagoan, "really fucking weird."

John Grange of Chicago has been unable to shake Forbes' inherent weirdness since the 1996 presidential campaign.  "As a conservative voter, I embrace Steve Forbes' vision of Social Security reform, parental control of education, and a tax cut that will really work for all Americans.  But, God!  What a fucking weirdo!  Blink your eyes once, you fucking freak!"

Forbes will be the first of the current presidential candidates to air campaign spots on network television in the next few days.  "I applaud the initiative that Forbes is showing by being the first to get his ads out," said Amy Tanuta of Billings, Montana.  "It shows that he really wants to be the agenda-setter of the Republican Party.  Of course, if he didn't look like such a blazing yahoo, he might not need television ads to be perceived as the party trendsetter.  Freak."

In the 1996 Republican primaries, exit polls showed that most voters who voted against Forbes did so because of Forbes' "political inexperience and his resemblance to a goddamned frog," according to Heather Thurston of PoliStats, Inc.  "And not in that order, if you know what I mean."

Will Forbes be able to win those voters' hearts by the end of primary season?  "His message is rock-solid, I'm sure of that.  A conservative's dream platform," said Grange.  "But Christ, I ain't voting for no bug-eyed circus geek."

Michael Genrich is a Boston-based writer and compu-chimp in Boston.  He accepts full responsibility for The Daily Instigator.