The Dirtier The Better
Grease monkeys and vibe jockeys

Has sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.

See also...
... by Lydia Lunch
... in the Crave section
... from August 19, 1999

Dear Lydia,

The smell of motor oil gets me moist. Dirty fingernails drive me crazy. The threat of rusty implements is my greatest turn on. All the guys I meet are too damn sanitized to really heat me up -- help!

Junkyard Doggie

Dear Doggie,

You must be looking for lust in all the wrong places. One of my fondest memories is of getting hammered by a teenage dirt boy in his daddy's garage, which was littered with broken car parts, oil slicks, and rusty tools. Start hanging out at the tracks, speedway, dirt bike competitions, and stock car races. Cruise the used car part lots and scrap yards. Find yourself a Neanderthal who doesn't give a lick about personal hygiene -- someone you can suck off while he's tooling around under the hood of his shit-brown '67 Impala. Make a date for late afternoon; he's sure to be nice and sticky. Get him revved up with a hot tongue bath. Don't forget the Trojans. If you like them smelling dirty, they probably are. I never met a motorhead who couldn't jump start my engine.


Dear Lydia,

Are vibrators addictive? I've been using one for 10 years, mostly just for masturbation while between lovers. I recently started dating and want to introduce it into our play. She's a little uptight and I don't want to scare her off. Any suggestions?

Shy Guy

Dear Shy,

It's wonderful you're man enough to not only use a vibrator on yourself, but to admit it and want to share it with others. Almost all women would encourage a little extra stimulation down there. If she's squeamish or has not yet experienced this loin-tingling joy then proceed slowly. You could start off on the back of her neck or the soles of her feet. Administer it with complete worship. Play the slave boy. She'll be squealing and begging you to stick it between her legs as soon as she's the slightest bit loosened up. Make sure it's spanking clean, and if it's a dildo, use condoms. Better yet, buy a new one, just to use when you're both together. Find one with a silent motor. Vibrators tend to get louder the older they are. As to whether or not they're addictive ... after ten years, do you really have to ask? Any object that can enhance sexual pleasure and stimulate stronger orgasms is a welcome addition to your toy chest.


Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture.