Has sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.

Dear Dan,

I can appreciate your dilemma. Most of my favorite fetishes could be considered a threat to my -- and my partner's -- physical and mental well-being. To save on worry and medical expenses in the future, it pays to play it safe.

Historically, dung and urine have been thought to contain both magical and medicinal properties (see The Portable Scatalog: Excerpts from the Scatalogic Rites of All Nations by John G. Bourke [Morrow, 1994]). In the 1500s human dung was burnt to a crisp and sprinkled on the body to remedy the aches and pains of cancer and carbuncles, and even as a cure for snake bites. A morning ritual of fasting and inhaling the intoxicating, full-bodied aroma of human ordure was thought a preventative against the plague. To cure a toothache, mix a poultice of warm, still-smoking excrement with chamomile and apply to cheek. Urine was used as a cure for everything from chapped hands to dog bites and dropsy.

But that was then, this is now, and we can't be too cautious concerning bodily functions. I'd hate to see you get a telltale spot of ringworm on your cheek from a less-than-tidy bunghole. May I suggest a latex cat suit, perhaps in off-white or cream, since black would probably spoil the illusion. I'd get a set of sheets to match, since latex is quick to clean. Powder yourself down, slip inside your new skin and feel free to prostrate yourself under any asshole which tickles your cockles. Bathe yourself in a luxurious brown sheen from head to toe. Marvel at the texture, the fragrance, the extravagance, the decadence.

As far as refecation (or digesting those tasty little nuggets of highly-perfumed poop), I suggest you practice moderation. If I were you, I wouldn't swallow. Have you thought about using a female condom in your mouth? You could still pleasure yourself with the experience, the sensation, the heat of a fresh steaming load shot straight into your willing throat, and not have to fear the consequences of consuming waste product. Of course, people have been paying to eat my shit for years...but they were sick to begin with.

Lydia

Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho-therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.