Oprah Issues Fatwa, Book Club Promises Jihad
by Mat Honan
Published September 17, 1999 in Whoa!

CHICAGO -- Speaking through a burning bush at the Chicago Media Center today, the deity formerly known as Oprah Winfrey issued a fatwa calling for the immediate execution of rival magazine editor Tina Brown.

See also...
... by Mat Honan
... in the Whoa! section
... from September 17, 1999

"Fallen, fallen is Tina Brown," said the flaming shrubbery acting as Oprah's official press representative. "That satanic running dog has attempted to usurp the power of the great Oprah with the blasphemy that is Talk magazine. There can be only one Queen of Talk. Carry out this fatwa, and your souls will be immediately commended to the Oprah Winfrey Enlightenment and Dieturgical center in Evanston, Illinois. You go girls."

The bush then announced that the members of Oprah's Book Club (tm) were organizing a jihad against Ms. Brown, and followed with a proclamation that eating Ju-Ju Bees on Wednesdays or Fridays was officially a sin.

The conference, following closely on the heels of the announcement that former Cosmo editor Ellen Kunes would be heading Oprah's new rag, was attended by several reporters, but was mostly made up of Oprah's devotees, many of whom promised immediate retribution for the former New Yorker editor.

"How dare Tina Brown blaspheme the one-whose-name-I-may-not-speak," demanded Jenna Van Veederhosen, a 37-year-old homemaker from Penabsquat, Wisconsin. "She didn't even bother to interview the great one in the premier issue. Death to the running dog, Oprah-Akbar!"

"I plan on bombing the executive offices of Talk magazine and putting Tina Brown and all her spawn under the knife until the streets run red with blood, blood, blood, right after I pick up the kids from Cub Scouts," added Daphne Johnson, mother of two.

However, not all in attendance were so cavalier. "I hope the media doesn't portray us as some cultic, fundamentalist group," said Helen Bakker, an Amway distributor and self-proclaimed world's best mom from Fresno. "Oprah allows us to think for ourselves and make our own decisions. I have to go now, I've got to finish about 30 pages of Mother Of Pearl by the end of this week or The Oprah will kill me. Wait, I mean ... can I take that last part back?"

Tina Brown was unavailable for comment at press time; however, sources close to the lusty literati claim Ms. Brown is considering renting Salman Rushdie's old place in her native England in the village of East Bumblefuck By The Moor.

IS THIS TRUE?

Mat Honan is a senior editor at GettingIt. Oprah-Akbar.