Are you not a first impression kind of guy? Do you have a difficult time meeting women? If so, forget about the bar scene, or trying to meet women in grocery stores -- and consider the emergency room. Why? Frankly, because when a woman is woozy, nervous, near death, injured, drugged, unconscious, nauseous, in shock, convulsing or hysterical, it's remarkable how her perspective on life, and other individuals, changes dramatically.

In short, if you pick the right gal, with the right ailment, not only do you have a captive audience, but also a very needy and emotionally-vulnerable one that can be easily exploited.

The advantages of E.R. dating are numerous. You never have to pay to get in. You never have to buy a drink. You hardly ever have to worry about whether you're the best-looking guy in the room. You never have to fret about getting stuck with the same old crowd. If the place isn't happening on Monday night, I promise you, Tuesday night will be a whole new scene. If you live in a major metropolitan area, you can even go emergency room hopping -- comfortable in the knowledge that new women will be showing up all the time.

Skeptical? Consider the following real-life example:

Her name was printed clearly on the little tag around her wrist: Brenda. It was Wednesday night and Brenda was stricken with simple appendicitis -- serious enough for considerable pain and anxiety, but not serious enough for immediate attention -- and after surgery she would probably recover in time for dinner and a movie Friday night.

"Brenda," I said, slipping into the seat next to her, "I thought you might like to know that the senior resident on duty happens to be a good friend of mine. Despite being, obviously, such a strong woman, you seem to be in some pain -- so I took the liberty of having him put you higher up on the admission list. By the way, I'm a Pisces."

As I'm not the kind to kiss and tell, I will only note that I have since examined Brenda closely, and the prognosis is good. You could say I intend to keep her on a steady dose of loving.

Not every relationship I have cultivated in the emergency room turned out to be a great success. But, about six times out of ten, I get a date, and roughly three times out of those six -- as was the case with Brenda -- the road to recovery becomes a path to devotion for the guy who was there with a smile and a watermelon-flavored Blow-Pop when the chips were down and the fluorescent lighting was casting lonely shadows.

Unfortunately, the other four times out of ten, my would-be dates either give me a fake phone number or lapse into a coma.

Just be sure to bear in mind this list of emergency room dating dos and don'ts:

DO lend a sympathetic ear, but
DON'T offer any other body parts.

DO bring your own magazines (women really like Cosmo), but
DON'T bring your own drugs (that's like bringing sand to the beach).

DO allow women to assume you are a doctor, but
DON'T attempt to perform surgery.

DO dress to impress if it's a weekend night, but
DON'T try picking up women giving birth.

I'd like to tell you more about my adventures in emergency room romancing, but I just heard over my police scanner that a bus carrying the Hawaiian Tropic bikini team was rear-ended on the highway. I think you get the idea.