Has sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
My ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still on speaking terms, has this really annoying habit of asking me why I left him. He seems to know I haven't told him the truth, yet. I cheated on him with my new beau, and to tell the truth, the minute I hopped on my new guy's knob, I just knew it was the one for me -- perfect size, shape, smell, and well, my ex's just withered in comparison. Should I tell my ex the truth, and further damage his already low self-esteem? Just ignore the jerk, or what? Help!
Size Queen
Dear Size Queen,
It's so hard to shake the baggage of a boy well spent and tossed aside for bigger and better orgasms. The problem with most men is they just don't know when enough is enough. If "it's time to move on" and "it just wasn't happening for me" don't get through to him, then be blunt. Explain in grueling detail how the smell of your new man's balls, a cross between a Persian kitten and lemon verbena, drives you nuts; how the very shape of the ridge under the glans is as chewable as a gumdrop; how his spunk tastes of fresh-baked bread and orange marmalade; how the very thought of resting his gorgeous, manly prick on the tip of your nose is enough to cause multiple explosions in your nether regions; that sucking him off is akin to a baby breast-feeding. Fucking him is as close to sexual nirvana as you've ever come. So full, so fast, so furious, that to settle for anything less would be a personal insult.
I can assure you, he'll never bring it up again.
Dear Lydia,
About a year ago I had a lover who would pinch and pull my nipples -- to my delight -- as often as possible. Now they just don't seem to perk up as quickly. I don't think they're as sensitive as they used to be. Is this common, or all in my head?
Nipsy
Dear Nipsy,
I think you need to up the ante. Try rubbing them with tiger balm. If that doesn't do it, investigate nipple clamps, which can be worn discreetly under a loose shirt or tucked inside a tight Miracle bra. Try clothespins and Tabasco sauce, used separately or in conjunction with each other. Have your partner bind your tits tightly with wet ropes, gaffer tape, or clothesline (all conveniently available at your local hardware store) leaving just the pink exposed. Beg him to torture, pinch, whip, scratch, chew, and bite, until you reach the peak of desire and are forced to plead with him to stop. Then do his.
Of course, you can always get them pierced, but how passé. And some women actually lose sensitivity. If your nipples are really dead, then straight pins, needles, razor blades and shock treatment may be in order.
Lydia
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions. This is her first weekly column.