Is serial dating stifling you? Monogamy monotonous? Seeking sinful, exciting, spontaneous sex?

Consider ADULTERY!

Nothing's healthier than humping somebody else's spouse! I'm testifying truth 'cause I'm a trailer park tomcat -- shagged fifteen wives, so far, in Mississippi mobile villages.

"We can do it in five minutes 'cause I'm not wearing panties."

"Ben's gone ducking this weekend."

"Faster, faster, I wanna climax before he comes home."

The fun fornicating phrases above were all whispered to me by wanton wives -- want some yourself? Rod raring to go? You can cop what I feel if you examine the Eight Crucial Q & A's of Adulterous Copulation that I've listed below:

Q: Should I seduce the wives of my friends?

A: Why shop elsewhere? If you chose your pals carefully, you want to screw all their wives, right? Do you stare at their butts when they bend over the barbecue pit? Do you twitch when they lick mustard off their hot dogs? When they breast-feed their babies, do you masturbate later, remembering their milky tits? If the answers aren't YES -- you need new buddies, pronto.

Q: Is adultery dangerous?

A: Hell YES! Stalking a wife in her prime is scarier than snorkeling for alligator. Raymond blew out my plastic windows with his Winchester; he'll splatter me if I ever enter his wife or Winnebago again. Jeronimo nearly gelded me with a Bowie knife -- I had to cough up three cases of Camels to keep it intact. I cringe, though, when cuckolds do insipid things -- like Leonard, who wept on my AstroTurf porch, "Why'd you do it? Aren't you my friend?"

Q: Is patience important?

A: Adultery is like fishing -- no nibbles for weeks, then suddenly you snare a handful of thrashers. Successful "backdoor Romeos" have to:

• Hide in the hedges at 6 a.m., waiting for Muhammad to truck off to the lumberyard so I can screw Stephanie before the three toddlers wake up.

• Purchase whiskey for Walter so he gets drunk and slaps his wife -- sniveling Shari sneaks over later, and vindictively sucks me.

Q: Is the sex hot?

A: Absolutely! There's no nectar in heaven as tasty as another man's woman. With wives, you pine tight as a branch for a week, your balls as blue as perch guts -- when she sneaks into your Nomad at 3 a.m. in an open bathrobe your juice sprays out like a shook-up can of Bud. Best ball-blasts of my life are when the husband is ignorantly present:

• Ned telephoned me when I was doggy-styling his Doreen -- I gabbed with him for ten minutes about SUV tires until I had to hang up, with a shattering scream.

• Xavier called seeking directions to the new lap-dance parlor on I-55. Ironically, his Melinda was shimmying on my own crotch, for free.

Q: Why do wives cheat?

A: Revenge & Boredom Are Every Wife's Meandering Motivation.

Study the comments I've collected below:

• "Tell me I'm pretty, in French."

• "Can I sneak over and snuggle with you when Jasper's watching the LSU game?"

• "I can't get Ralph to spank me or tie me up."

• "You can fuck me every time Richard even mentions that waitress's name."

Q: Ever feel guilty?

A: Husbands are dense, smelly dopes -- they deserve to be cuckolded by cologne-wearing Casanovas like moi. Hubbies are always off sailing in the Gulf, or whoring in New Orleans cathouses. Sometimes I'm the only man left in the trailer park: the proverbial Fox in the Henhouse.

Q: Ever get your heart broken?

A: The only crappy comments you hear from a wife are: "I want to leave him and move in with you," and, "Did I tell you I have herpes?" She might babble dreck, like: "I can't ever see you again!" But that's a blessing; it means the affair's finally over and you can skip on to other wives -- you don't want to get all tied up monogamous-like with just one.

Q: Anything nasty you haven't done?

A: One taboo category I've never seduced is a sister-in-law. My brother's brides were boneable teens -- but every one of them's Mormon, so they got fat right away. I did suggest mattress-bouncing to Phil's fiancée LuEllen when she was still slender -- unfortunately, she refused, fled, and finked to my bro, who beat me up and he didn't even buy me a Christmas present for three years.

That's all for now, fellers, I hope you bag bushels of matrimonial nookie. But stay clear of the "aluminum cities" of Yalobusha County and the upper lakeshore -- they're my hunting grounds!

Travis McDaniel is an ex-marriage counselor.