Bleeping De Niro And Biking The Web

Do you watch HBO with your kids and quiver in fear that they'll grow up talking like Dennis Miller? Do you just love GoodFellas and Pulp Fiction -- except for those naughty curse words? Didn't think so. But for people who are offended (translation: tightasses), there's now Curse Free TV, a box designed and manufactured by Jonas Robertson of Harvey, Louisiana. Robertson recently demonstrated his box at the annual meeting of the Southern Baptist Convention in Atlanta. Curse Free TV monitors the closed captioning in programs on cable TV, videocassette, or broadcast TV, and mutes out any offending words in audio while replacing the offending words with milder ones in the closed captioning (for any of you deaf or hard-of-hearing tightasses out there). Little could make me happier than the prospect of Samuel L. Jackson captioned thus:

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from August 2, 1999

"AK-47. When you absolutely positively got to kill every gosh-darned person in the room, accept no substitutes!"

You can buy Curse Free TV through LifeWay Christian Stores over the phone at 1.800.432.0361, or e-mail them at

The Netpulse Station is a stationary bicycle integrated with a computer system that allows you to surf the Web, watch cable TV, listen to CDs, track your fitness progress, and -- most importantly -- earn frequent flyer miles on several major airlines so you can actually use those newfound thigh muscles in Fiji next summer. Sound like fun? Break out the AmEx, baby -- it'll run you a cool $2995.00. But by visiting the company's Web site, you can search for hoity-toity health clubs in your area that offer the Station.

Thomas S. Roche is a fucking GettingIt staff writer, Goddammit.