Bush Counting On Nasty Factor
Published July 29, 1999 in Whoa!

DALLAS -- Texas governor George W. Bush gave the most detailed account of his "youthful indiscretions" to date -- including cross dressing, gambling, murder, and necrophilia -- at an afternoon press conference from his campaign headquarters yesterday. Surprisingly, his popularity with the American people rose sharply following his admissions.

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... by Mat Honan
... in the Whoa! section
... from July 29, 1999

Responding to a reporter's question as to what the governor meant by his repeated references to "youthful indiscretions," Bush paused for a moment, as if making a mental tally, before giving a surprisingly candid answer.

"In my youth, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, a lot of things no man would be proud of.  Who could brag, for example, about fucking the corpse of Karen Carpenter or mainlining LSD into his jugular vein? Who would boast of sexual exploits with a spider monkey, trafficking in opium, or scoring teenage girls for your mobster friends so they would forgive gambling debts?  But hey man, it was the '70s, or maybe the '80s, who can remember? I'm pretty sure that behavior wasn't as outrageous then as it sounds now.

"But that shouldn't be the issue," Bush continued.  "The issue here is compassionate conservatism.  Nobody cares whether or not I provided 9-year-old Mexican illegals as sex slaves for Houston oilmen in return for their endorsement of my father. The people don't want to hear about my past, which may or may not include licking Marlon Brando's buttocks while I was dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow.'  Nor do I think anyone's interested in knowing that I had John Lennon killed so I could sleep with Sean.  For that matter, my involvement with the Symbionese Liberation Army is entirely beside the point, as is my affiliation with the North American Man/Boy Love Association.  Now, can we please move on to the real issues?"

As reporters sprinted to fire the story off to their editors, the attending crowd went wild for "Dubya" and ensuing polls have showed that his ratings have actually improved 12 percent following his confessions.  Pollsters are calling this phenomenon "The Lewinsky Effect," and Bush is hardly the only candidate attempting to cash in on it.

Over the next few days, Elizabeth Dole plans to admit to various sexual escapades, a strategy some political analysts are questioning as people just don't want to have a mental image of Mrs. Dole getting nasty stuck in their heads.  Meanwhile, Dan Quayle is considering announcing that he cheated his way through college, rumor has it Bill Bradley will admit to point-shaving while playing for the NBA, and Al Gore will cop to having once "had fun" during his college days.

Mat Honan is a senior editor at GettingIt. He genuinely hates you.