Has Sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
Most women will wish they suffered the same fate, but my lover takes too damn long. Quickies make him feel ripped off, but that seems like all I ever have the time or energy for. Another problem is his technique; he's so considerate and thorough he's boring. Believe it or not, a ninety-minute missionary masterpiece gets old. How can I amend this situation, while satisfying both of us?
Spent in Simi Valley
Dear Spent,
Most women would murder their first-born and smear its blood on doorsteps and windows in a ritual sacrifice to Kali and Durga to have the first half of your problem. But I get it -- time constraints and day-to-day survival pressure can play havoc with your erogenous zones. Sex starts to feel like just another chore that you don't have the stamina to complete. A long-lasting, unimaginative lover is sure to have you staring at the clock over his shoulder. Here's some advice on how to get him to spice it up and still give you time to have a life.
Have Mr. Thorough expend his extra energy relieving your stress. He can give you a champagne bubble bath and full body massage, followed by foot worship and shrimping while masturbating himself to near climax. Then when you're ready, and he's almost there, ride the bastard into full-throttle oblivion.
Or make a date and let him start without you. Rent a good hardcore flick and have it programmed to play when he walks in the door. Leave a note for him to get comfortable, relax, enjoy himself. Spike his drink with protein powder. While he's getting himself off, you can finish all that last-minute office work. Check in on him from time to time to get your juices flowing, then pounce once your puss is inflamed with a passion that only peeping can stimulate.
If he still doesn't get it, teach him a lesson. Bring in a third party: he, she or blow up doll. Watch with delight and amusement as he tires himself out trying to please both of you. As his exhaustion peaks, demand just ten more minutes -- another orgasm, some cunnilingus, a long, slow ass fuck (his ass) as you off yourself with a Hitachi Magic Wand. Maybe then he'll understand exactly how you feel. Spent.
Lydia
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho-therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions. This is her first weekly column.