A Screw In A Haystack
Tips on finding a great lay

Finding a good lover is like finding a good pair of shoes: It takes a long time, and you have to try out a bunch. When you finally get one, you use it up fast; then you try to keep using it until you (or someone close to you) realize it's just no good any more. No one can help you make a good sexual relationship last, but with these three simple techniques you can cut down on the time it takes to find your ideal.

See also...
... by Ryan McLaughlin
... in the Crave section
... from January 18, 2000

Scope it out. The best lovers generally come from two categories: people who are average-looking and people who used to be kind of ugly and suddenly became hot. Average-looking people have always had to work a bit to get laid, so they aren't put off by oral sex. They also tend to be more animated and vocal. Average women usually know how to make themselves orgasm, and average-looking men aren't usually two-pump chumps. If they weren't good in bed, they would never get laid, because they can't rely on their looks.

Hotter looking people can get laid even if they have an overeager trouser snake, or if they file their nails or watch TV while you're trying to take them to the big O. People with model looks might give you oral sex, but they have no idea what they're doing because it doesn't matter: They'll get laid either way. Of course, there are hot people who can get down in bed -- and if you find one, more power to you. The purpose of this article, though, is to shorten the search time and find a good lover.

Ugly people can be good too, but often have attachment issues. If you screw an ugly person, you might hear "I love you" after the first time -- and only bible-thumpers want that. Also, your roommates might find cruel names for your homely lover that you mistakenly call out to him/her during sex -- but that's a story for another article.

Your other choice is people who were ugly or disfigured in some way like acne or braces with headgear. Once these butterflies shed their cocoon, you're in for a world of hot screwing. The sexual frustration of their teen years doesn't really diminish, so prey on that.

Don't compliment their looks too much, but do give them kudos on technique, enthusiasm, and risk-taking. Often, a butterfly enjoys public sex, so take him or her in the bushes, on the lawn, at the movie theater. Be sure you get to them soon after their transformation to hottie, or they'll be spoiled by the people that net them first. And then all you've got is another conceited supermodel.

Communicate. Don't waste time with games. Tell him/her straight out what you like in bed. If you love getting spanked while doing it doggy-style, you need to test the waters. Talk it out with your new lover so they can either freak out or freak out! Either way, you win.

Sometimes you just need to get laid though, and you can communicate that nonverbally. If you're trying to nail a guy, stick your hand down his pants and take hold of the first warm thing you find. If you're trying to bed a woman, kiss the nape of her neck and run your fingers down to the small of her back. If she moans pleasantly, keep going -- you're gettin' some.

In the quest for great sex, miscommunication is a huge waste of time. Your lovers might want you to pee on them in the shower, while you want to be showered in their pee. Unless one of you speaks up, you'll be waiting endlessly for the other to perform the one thing that really lights your fire.

Walk away. The biggest mistake people make in search of good sex is to stick with a mediocre or bad lover. If you're with someone who's not meeting your needs, you start oozing sexual frustration like a pizza-faced teen. Sure, it's nice to get porked regularly, but you'll never find time to look for a new lover if you have to spend Saturday night with a limp dick or wet fish.

Leave on good terms so you can always come back and resume poking your mediocre lay if your search for Mr./Ms. HotPants doesn't pan out.

Ryan McLaughlin is a writer and artist who lives in San Francisco, California.  His work has appeared in Popular Science,Fashion Almanac,TV Guide, and a number of adult publications we'd all rather forget.