I used to work with a young woman who, at the tender age of 31, in addition to having a degree in law had received an Adult Video News Lifetime Achievement Award for her anal expertise. This buttfuckin' caucasioid brunette (we'll call her Sandy, because that's her name) didn't just like cock, she craved black cock. Had to have it.

Sandy was a bottom, a classic submissive (except at work, where she could be a real bitch). She liked to get smacked around, and she had this trick where she would deep-throat that black schlong until it cut off her windpipe. She was like an animal.

But the thing that drove her craziest, she confessed, was the smell of balls as she blew her partner to the hairy root. She said she could come just smelling that musky odor, or even just thinking about it. And the curly-haired butt crack of a sweaty black guy? Fuggetaboudit! This would make her more slick than a Prince William Sound seabird circa '89.

So Sandy can add olfactophilia to her many sexual proclivities. While all humans either consciously or subconsciously are attracted by pheremones or the distinct bodily odors secreted by members of the opposite sex (or the, um, unopposite sex), these paraphiles possessed of perky proboscises are a different breed altogether. Olfactophiles don't just find certain smells pleasant -- they are driven into full erotic throttle by them.

There are target areas, of course. The genitals provide much musky fodder for the scent-seeker, as does the always-ripe rectal zone. "There is nothing that turns me on more than smelling a woman's ass, especially if she's been at work all day," admits professed stench addict Larry Sailor. "I love just burying my nose deep into a woman's crack, feeling as if I'm surrounded by her ass, and just breathing in deep." You go, Larry!

A currently popular branch of olfactophilia is the phenomenon of men sniffing women's (preferably soiled in some manner) panties. Why does Sean Wilson love the odor of used drawers? "Because [the smell] is heavenly," he says. "The fishier the better, I say." I have no idea what that means, but some also get off on the smell of shit or implied fecal material on used cotton undies. "I always hope for a skidmark," proclaimed Sailor. "Maybe she took a dump at work and didn't wipe good." Ah, romance...

Of course, ambitious young women have turned this into a cottage industry. If the scent of a woman turns you on, you should check out Lucinda's Worn Panty Page -- prices start at $25 for a used satin thong. Or you can indulge in panties worn during her period at just $40. "New," Lucinda exhorts, "Due to recent demand I am offering blood-soaked tampons."

Stick that in your face and sniff it.

(Editor's Note: We apologize for the above. Col. Lingus has been sacked, and those who sacked Col. Lingus have been sacked. We at GettingIt don't condone the use of nitrous oxide or any illegal substance.)