1. Smoke 30 instead of 40 cigarettes a day. Switch to Lucky Strikes.

2. Drink only six cups of Armenian espresso within any four-hour period.

3. Gain five pounds as a personal rebellion against Calvin Klein, Fiona Apple, Sheryl Crow, Calista Flockhart, Courteney Cox, Kate Moss, Chris Rock, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Cameron Diaz.

4. Develop road rage when walking.

5. Start wearing fur from endangered animals that I have stalked, caught, and killed myself. Become the female Ted Nugent.

5.5 Get "Cat Scratch Fever" and scare all my friends.

6. Target practice at least three times a week. Preferably at high school soccer and football warm-ups, using the ball as bull's-eye. In a pinch, aim for pompoms of blonde cheerleaders.

7. At least once a week, make sandwiches for every homeless person in a 5-mile radius. In exchange, ask them to write a haiku on the spot. Start "haiku slams" at a local coffee shop, putting to death once and for all "poetry slams" and in the process shaming the shameless who consider what they write poetry.

8. Become the Mother Theresa of mercy fucks, servicing only the most woebegotten, moth-ridden, flea-bitten down-and-outers I can find, bathing them in the light that only one in love with lepers can possess. Pay for the pleasure. Videotape it. Sell it on the Internet as the antidote to sexy housewife tapes. Call it Bum Fucked.

9. Refuse sex, even masturbation, with anyone less desperate. They don't deserve it.

10. Shoplift something huge and useless at least once a week. Donate the proceeds. When caught, cop insanity defense. Blame corporate America for breeding consumers whose better instincts have been abolished by the continual bombasting of commercial radio and television which force-feeds you advertising every five minutes whose only real message is you are what (brand) you wear, buy, or eat.

11. Take out a contract on Hilfiger for having the balls to bamboozle inner city school kids into thinking his yuppie/collegiate shit is cool. Tommy, watch your lily white ass, motherfucker.

12. Drop all my friends by cutting out the tedious niceties which are starting to grate on my tits, like listening patiently to their petty complaints about being ripped off, out of work, undiscovered, more talented than... and screaming in their face just once "I don't give a flying fuck, you fuck."

13. Stick to all the above.