Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
My lesbian lover is hetero-curious. She's never even kissed a man before. I am more experienced, having fucked and sucked my way through high school and college before turning my affection to the finer sex. Since the holidays are upon us, and she has every materialistic possession a spoiled little puss could possible want, I thought I'd treat her to a taste of the licking stick. I'm thinking of hiring a pro, having him pop over on Christmas Eve with a nice red ribbon tied around his peppermint-flavored condom. Any pointers?
Signed,
Putting the "X" back into Xmas
Dear X,
If you feel your little princess is ready, there's no better way to break the ice than calling in a professional. There's no beating around the bush, no uncomfortable silence or awkward farewells after the dirty deed has been done. Plus, you get to write the script -- or, better yet, let her. If only all of our lovers were so thoughtful. Just make sure she's the one who really wants it and it's not just a devious ploy for you to reacquaint yourself with the pork pudding.
Dear Lydia,
I fucking hate Xmas and everything it stands for: material exploitation, credit card debt, and dumb presents that end up in the dumpster. Then there's the parents, who, since they're already senile, I feel I have to put up with, hoping with my last breath that it's their last breath too. Any tips on how to make "the season of giving" not give me an ass ache?
Signed,
Screwge
Dear Screwge,
Don't go home. If you hate it as much as I do, avoid the whole shebang. Lie! Say you're working or you just won a Caribbean cruise courtesy of those annoying postal sweepstakes. Claim you have strep and it's contagious. Or just be brutally honest: Say you can no longer stomach or tolerate the bullshit hypocrisy that surrounds every second of this, the most fraudulent of seasons. That to feign celebration would strain what little self-control you have left. Warn them you're preparing for the New Year, and you'll be spending December 25 in a 24-hour marathon at the outdoor shooting range. They'll beg you to stay home.
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography, and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psychotherapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.