Floyd Rubs South Florida's Jock, Then Leaves It High and Dry

MIAMI -- Hurricane Floyd angered South Floridians by "showing some tit but refusing to put out," according to local residents frustrated by the storm's "prick tease" antics.

See also...
... by Larry Getlen
... in the Whoa! section
... from September 14, 1999

"It's like dating the town slut and getting a good-bye kiss on the cheek," said local mechanic Fred Palmston, referring to the rush of 155 mile-an-hour gusts and delirious waves of rain that winked at South Florida before getting really nasty further to the north. "I bought all kinds of goodies for him, decorated my house with fancy shutters, bought food, water, and wine -- you'd think he'd at least live up to his reputation."

After exciting all of South Florida with the promise of passion so intense they would be wet for days, the "ultimate blowjob," as Floyd has been referred to, failed to materialize. Instead, Floyd proved dry, frigid, and lifeless, without moisture or movement, like a deflated blow-up doll.

"It's like Floyd took out my thang, got it hard, and just let it hang there," said John Mutesta, a soon-to-be married bartender who hoped that Floyd would be the centerpiece of his bachelor party. "I've got years of false hopes, sexless nights, and wasted hard-ons ahead of me. I thought Floyd would be different."

People living in the Bahamas, however, have a different view of Floyd. "After the second long, hard pounding, it just hurts," said Virginia Gangby, a local housewife and mother of three. "I've got kids to feed, a house to clean… After Dennis, Floyd just made me sore. I wish he would have been more gentle."

Restaurateur John Mangold agrees. "It's like that girl in high school who gave you the time of your life, but left you with all these blisters, and itchy and stuff," said Mangold. "Then you get all nervous, wondering if you caught anything serious… Sometimes you wish they would have just teased you and left."

Larry Getlen has written for Raygun, Salon, and MovieMaker, among many others. He writes a weekly satire column called "Larry's Look at Life," which goes out via email.