Christmas Crap
All I want for Christmas is elephant dung

Ah, it's that sentimental time of year when we can all look forward to a nice warm evening at home with the spouse and kids, drinking eggnog and decorating the Christmas tree with... that's right, animal feces. Hey, I'm all for ecology, but let's get serious here: Of all the things in my life that I think should be made of shit (and I'm sure there's something), Christmas ornaments aren't high on the list.

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from December 13, 1999

"Christmas Crappers are cute little tree ornaments that are made from 'ZooDoo,' a natural compost from our nation's zoos," says the Web site. This means you can give your kids a little lecture on ecology ("Reduce, reuse, recycle, Billy!") right after you go out into nature and chainsaw a Douglas fir that never did you any harm. At $12.75 for a box of seven, you can afford to give 'em to all your least favorite relatives.

Always savvy enough to stick with a good thing, also sells Animal Crappers. "And you thought fertilizer couldn't have a sense of humor!" Well, now that you mention it, it never occurred to me to wonder whether or not fertilizer had a sense of humor. But now I know: It doesn't. These adorable little ZooDoo figurines are irresistible: They're shaped just like animal crackers! [Squeal of delight!]

Animal Crappers are $6 for a box of two. Just be sure, whatever you do, that you don't leave your toddler unsupervised in the room with your Animal Crappers, or you're likely to return to little Ralphie belching up monkey dumplings. And that would be anything but a merry Christmas.

GettingIt staff writer Thomas S. Roche really does believe in ecology -- up to a point.