Jetting The Jizm
How to shoot your wad farther
Published December 10, 1999 in Crave

Yo, studs! We all wanna impress the fine ladies with our virile masculinity, so today, let's talk about "shooting."

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... by Hank Hyena
... in the Crave section
... from December 10, 1999

Tell me straight -- has a chick who's been slowly sucking your lollipop ever snickered when your ooze bubbled out? Has she complained, "Honey, why can't you pop some chunks in the air? Jump your jizm? You don't make a girl feel special!"

You've seen the strong porn-dicks spit sperm like blow-darts. You want the same propulsion 'cause it wets the chicks, right? Word is, if you launch a loogey that lands halfway up the wall, she'll beg to see that trick again.

Her friends, too.

So listen up, my men. You'll be hearing, "Wow! You're incredible!" in the love nest from now on, if you practice the three steps below:

Pump your pelvis. There's an exercise that puts the "jack" into ejaculation, called the "Kegel." It's the same damn calisthenic that new mamas use when they're tightening their snatches up after birthing tots. Kegeling isn't just a pussy-toner, though -- when dudes do it, the increased crotch strength they develop enables them to fling cock-phlegm for astonishing yardage.

To Kegel, just pretend that you've got a giant ugly turd in your guts that's trying to descend. You're fighting it back, though -- you're clenching your hams, you're flexing every muscle from scrotum to tail bone. (If shit-warring visualization bores you, imagine that you're in prison, instead. Some huge nasty AIDS guy is trying to fuck your hole, but you're desperately clamping the entry.)

If you Kegel three times a day, you'll get so powerful, you'll be able to twist off beer caps with your anus.

Stop wanking. If you want "air male" you need to let the juice build up pressure, until it's steaming like a geyser. Keep your mitts off your meat so you've got some pent-up phlegm to propel when it's time to impress.

Poking the glad bag. For a truly superior lift-off, slide your thumb discreetly into your asshole when your love-blobs are seriously curdling. When come-spasms hit ya, smash gently down on the prostate, full force. This'll send your sperm soaring out, like rocks from a slingshot. Don't forget to wash your fingers later, 'cause you probably got shit under your nail.

Hank Hyena is a columnist for SFGate and a frequent contributor to Salon.