Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
I'm dating a clown. He has his own troupe and they appear at toddler birthday parties. I've seen him perform, and he's wonderful with kids.
I'm proud that he's an entrepreneur, but it's frightening when he comes back to my place shit-faced and wants to fuck in full getup. I told him this freaks me out, but the truth is he's a better lay in costume. Still, it's giving me nightmares. Should I grin and bear it, or just warn him that when he's around me he's got to quit the clowning?
Signed,
Circus Freaked
Dear Freaked,
You're not alone -- many people are bozophobic. I'm not sure what this stems from; perhaps it's a fear of the real evil lurking behind the demonic grimace, bulbous noses, and hideous grease paint. Clowns are notoriously depressed in real life and alcohol won't help. Force him to watch Shakes the Clown, Bobcat Goldwaithe's horrendous portrayal of a lowlife down-and-outer on an endless bender who can't quite kill the clown inside him. After your date pukes up his Jack, explain that his post-gig sex appeal is the equivalent of watching Emmett Kelley Jr. eat the fresh scabs picked from his ass crack. He should get the hint.
Dear Lydia,
This is embarrassing, but I have no where else to turn to. My ass is really stinky. Especially when I sweat. I can smell it through my clothes even after I shower. I've tried salt baths, baking soda, baby powder and perfume. My girlfriend hasn't mentioned it to me, but obviously getting head is out of the question. I'm nervous she'll be turned off. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Bummed out in Brooklyn
Dear Bummed,
Most people are forever trying to convince others that their shit don't stink. At least you admit you have a problem. Now get your ass to the doctor. You might have a fungal infection. You didn't mention it being itchy, just smelly -- but you still need to have it looked at, probed and probably swabbed for an anal culture. Try trimming or shaving the hair down there; apply some aloe vera gel to prevent minor irritation. When the aloe dries, apply cornstarch instead of talcum powder -- it's more natural and less perfumed. Perfume can sometimes turn rancid when mingled with sweat. Keep baby wipes in your side pocket, and your girlfriend will be begging to toss your salad in no time.
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography, and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psychotherapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.
Tough Love runs each Thursday on GettingIt.