Last week, I cooked dinner for Guinevere: macaroni and cheese, and asparagus soup. It's barely edible, but she's happy anyway.

"For dessert, I'll give you whatever you want," she smiles.

"A blow job?"

Five minutes later, I'm screaming, "Baby, baby, I love you!" as her tongue massages my cock. Her teeth gnaw my glans as hot cum-chunks bolt out of my pecker.

I push forward; I want to squirt in her mouth, but she's choking.

"Urgha! Bleech! Kagack!" She wiggles her jaw off my dick, spitting up semen all over my bedsheets.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Your cum stinks. It tastes horrible."

"Sorry, you didn't have to..."

"I like cum." She retorts. "Other men's, anyway."

"You're rude," I pout. "If you're gonna insult me, don't offer a face-fuck."

We fight viciously, and Guinevere eventually leaves.

Sadly, I stare at the pale blobs on my bed. How gross are they? Why are they pale green? I scoop a sticky spooge up with my finger. I lick it.

"Icky." It tastes like the slimy crap that rots in a compost pile.

"What's wrong?" I mourn. "I want to have semen women are eager to slurp. What can I do?"

The next morning, I telephone friends for advice. First I call Terry, my cock-sucking gay pal -- he drinks more waddage every night at "Blow Buddies" than most women ingest in a lifetime.

"Isn't sperm supposed to taste like Clorox?" I ask.

"No," he snickers. "It smells like that, but the flavor's different. The first load is thicker and creamier than the second load, and pre-cum is thinner, less salty."

"Don't describe texture," I gag. "Just flavor."

"Vegetarian boys are yummy, like bee pollen," Terry continues.

"Latinos are spicy with 'capsicum-cum' because of the chile peppers. Meat-eaters and cigarette smokers have a flat, dead flavor. Asparagus is absolutely the worst."

"Uh oh," I groan, remembering the soup.

My next call is to Harriet, a gourmet chef. Her tongue is brilliant with wine, but is it discerning with dick-juice?

"I've had everything from birthday-cakey sweet to unswallowably skanky cum," she informs me. "The same guy can change palatability in the course of the day, depending on his food and alcohol intake."

"I want honeysuckle semen," I beg her. "I miss Guinevere."

"Feed it whiskey, marshmallow peeps, and lemon aoli. Stay away from pink cocktails, greasy food, brussells sprouts, and especially..."

"Asparagus?"

"Yes."

My third call is to Samantha, an ex-porn star who lives in Los Angeles. She spent five years guzzling cock-splatter.

"I swallowed a lot of foul sprays," she says. "Avoid fish if you want to make a girl glad. Asparagus is horrible, milk products can taste rancid --"

"Like cheese?" I ask, recalling my entrée.

"Yes."

"Gimme a diet," I beg her, "that'll turn me into a lollipop."

"Acidic fruits and unprocessed alcohol create delicious jism," she promises. "Oranges, mangoes, kiwi, lemon, and grapefruit, with sweet drinks like a Honey Brown brew. Or a simple Corona, and lime."

"Thanks!"

"I wish the studs I sucked were as considerate as you."

"They're cuter," I sniff. "I have to be smart."

My last call is to Rebecca, a nutritionist. She verifies everyone else's statements.

"My specialty is breast milk," she informs me. "But all bodily fluids change flavor with diet."

I call Guinevere now, apologizing for my terrible manners. I invite her over for snacks.

On the table, I place a big bowl of every fruit that Samantha recommended, cut into sexy slices, with sugar. Corona and limes also await us, plus sourdough and lemon aoli.

As we satiate ourselves, Guinevere's resentment subsides. We talk for an hour, as the flavors sink into our cells.

"Can I eat you out?" I ask.

She reclines on my rug with her legs spread.

Her pussy tastes refreshing, I notice; the odor of old halibut has departed. I munch with an energy that I've never displayed before, and she gets so turned on, she wriggles around to suck dick. It's a hot 69 -- she gets a spasmodic climax, as I unleash my citrus load.

"Mmmm," she says.

She swallows every drop I pump out -- then she milks my prick, for some more.

"You've got a marmalade pussy," I tell her.

"You're sweet, too," she replies. "I know it's all protein, but your cum tastes like lemon custard to me."

Hank Hyena is a columnist for Sfgate.com and a frequent contributor to Salon.