Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
I'm a meat freak. You name it, I fuck it: liver, rump roast, chicken breasts, ham. As a budding gourmet who often cooks for friends, I've basted many a meal with my own spunk. I've noticed that when using my secret sauce, the guests always request seconds, devouring every last scrap like hungry orphans, leaving nary a tidbit of leftovers. I'm doing a 15-pound turkey this Thanksgiving and plan on basting it in my own succulent juices. The thought of screwing that big beautiful juicy bird has already gotten me into a sexual uproar. Salmonella being a big concern around the holidays, I'm wondering if I could catch anything from my culinary obsession?
Signed,
Turkey Baster
Dear Baster,
Always wash your hands, the cutting board, and cooking utensils that come in contact with meat or poultry. And don't forget to scrub your dick before and after your little party trick. Applying human sweat to a piece of bread is a known method for training a dog to be faithful to its master. You, my sicko, are obviously taking this one step further. I'm sure all your friends love you.
The internal temperature for cooking all the possible bacteria out of turkey is 170 degrees in the breast meat and 185 in the thigh. I would imagine this would also kill off any threat of you contaminating your guests by force feeding them your "turkey drippings." Happy Holidays, you fucking pig.
Dear Lydia,
On Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter I always volunteer at a homeless shelter, helping to feed the needy. Although it's an act of heartfelt charity, and I'll do anything to avoid seeing my family, it's the men, mostly ex-cons, down-and-outers, guys that just somehow slipped between the cracks, that keep me coming back.
An afternoon spent in their company makes all the jock assholes I go to school with seem so spoiled and vacant. I have a huge crush on a Vietnam vet who has been in a wheelchair for the past 20 years. Is sex possible with someone who is numb from the waist down?
Signed,
Only the Lonely
Dear Lonely,
The homeless, and especially vets, need and deserve more love than bratty schoolboys who think sex is their God-given right. You're doing the right thing. Concentrate on pleasures possible from the waist up. I'm sure any attention paid will be well appreciated. It's an act of generosity we should all practice at least once a year. Who knows, paying loving attention to them may even spark flames that have been long extinguished.
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography, and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psychotherapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.
Tough Love runs each Thursday on GettingIt.