Accessories for that dead bird

If you're either 1) the sort of cook who has to have the highest-tech accoutrements for your kitchen adventures, or 2) a complete numbskull who can't tell when a turkey's cooked, you're without a doubt going to need this barbecue fork from Improvements. It's got a built-in cooking thermometer to make sure you kill all those pesky E. coli that want to have a holiday feast of their own. It costs a mere $25 and runs on two AA batteries. Once you've glopped the fork up with giblets, simply pop it off of the electronic base and stick it into your dishwasher with the other Thanksgiving filthies and voila... You're ready to head for the living room to watch the exciting Thanksgiving grudge match. Oh, and there might be a game on TV, too...

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from November 24, 1999

On the other hand, if you're the kind of peace-loving commie-pinko California pansy who doesn't rip flesh from bone for the holidays, it's time for you to head over to Spice of Life with the rest of the homos and Democrats. For just $3.15 for an eight-ounce package -- which makes about a pound of wannabe-meat when reconstituted -- you can enjoy such delectable holiday treats as "beef," "ground beef," "Mexican beef," "smoked ham," and the old classic, "unflavored." There's even one that tastes just like chicken! Spice of Life products are made from defatted soy flour, Bragg's Liquid Aminos, sunflower oil, and natural spices. Mmm-mmm good, can't you feel your stomach rumbling?

Oh, but wait, before you Ted Nugent fans out there reach for your Glocks like the model Americans we know you are, you might want to consider the steroids, antibiotics, and other drugs pumped into the world's poultry -- and also the fact that, unlike most meat substitutes, Spice of Life products are "virtually free of the flatugenic sugars (oligosaccharides) responsible for causing indigestion in most users." That's a delicate way of saying "serve this at Christmas dinner, and you won't be subjected to Uncle Beauregard's gaseous emissions for the rest of the evening." Those vegetarians can be so delicate.

Thomas Roche is largely free of flatugenic sugars, and he tastes just like chicken.