For those of you planning on bringing your significant other home for the holiday weekend, don't. If your parents won't let you sleep together, I suggest coughing up the $19.99 for a room at the Stop'N'Sleep. And for those of you whose folks are cool enough to let you share a room, you will get caught. Trust me.

Sure, there is some kitsch-schlock eroticism about getting down in your teenage bedroom surrounded by Journey posters and stuffed animals while listening to a Billy Squier cassette, but there is nothing worse than having your Aunt Edna walk in while you're chugging cock. And it will happen. For those brave enough to do the nasty while your family plays Scrabble and watches the Macy's Day Parade downstairs, I offer the following bits of advice.

BYOB. Bring your own birth control. Your parents will not have condoms in their medicine cabinet. If you need to run to the market to purchase some, it will be suggested a younger relative accompany you "for the ride," and you don't want your precocious niece or nephew innocently asking at the dinner table what Magnums are; I suggest bringing enough birth control with you.

Shut your damn yap. Your parents and family can hear better than anything on earth. They have super-human audio powers that allow them to detect any gasp, moan or pant -- no matter how hard you're biting that pillow. Unless you want everyone knowing how "bad I want that stiff cock shoved in my dripping snatch," you had best keep your mouth shut. On second thought, don't even breathe.

Play hide and seek. I would recommend sneaking off to someplace where no one is apt to go. Old people are terrified of garages and everyone else will be watching football. There you can also fulfill your lifelong fantasy of fucking under a dirty boat tarp.

See? I told you to go to that hotel.