Two out of three gifts that promote tooth decay

Do you want to serve some vanilla ice cream with that hot apple pie this Thanksgiving? Did you remember to take it out of the deep-freeze an hour ago? Well, no problem, just wait a couple of hours while this concrete block of Dryer's French Vanilla slowly and torturously turns into a vaguely malleable mass. Better yet, give yourself carpal tunnel syndrome, arthritis, and/or a broken forearm trying to crowbar a bowl's-worth of delicious frozen dairy confection out of the carton while your guests slowly lose interest and wander into the living room to unbutton the top button of their polyester dress pants and beer-belch and turkey-fart their way through another football game.

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from November 22, 1999

Or, you can be sensible and get high-tech about it. The Microwave-Heated Ice Cream Scoop will render all those complaints irrelevant. Just put the scoop into the microwave for 30-40 seconds. The unique polymer scoop heats up to the temperature of a white dwarf while the handle stays delightfully cool! It's dishwasher safe and only costs $17.99, much less than a trip to the emergency room with a metal scoop embedded in your skull.

For a slightly more interactive way to satisfy your sweet tooth, you can now make cotton candy at home. Give your kids the experience of working a shit job at a carnival so they'll be used to it when they're old enough to actually bring in some money! You can buy the machine for just under $70, and for another twenty bucks you can get a starter set with a bunch of paper cones and packets of sugar in several bizarre flavors: watermelon, orange, strawberry, and the vaguely alien blue raspberry. Christmas-morning fun for the whole family! Get your kids jacked up on refined sugar just in time for Grandma's visit! Kids love this stuff -- they love eating anything that looks like it shouldn't be eaten.

Thomas Roche recently donated his body to science.