Homos are driving heteros crazy with desire.

Gay guys have better butts, haircuts, abs, underwear, mutual funds, cooking utensils, opera tickets, and wit, than their slovenly straight counterparts. Plus, they're aloof -- coaxing queer-cock into a chick-bed is a challenge.

Lesbian fucking is also irresistible. Bull dykes aren't boneable, but femme "lipsticks" like Anne Heche are huge hard-on targets. Studs also get stiff when they scan sexy tomboy-punkettes, like the early Ani DiFranco. The following tips will help fag-hags and Sappho-stalkers seduce hottie homos into a "hole" new experience:

Chicks cruising queer boys: Get him drunk. Alcohol can inspire him to try something perverse, like a poke in your gushy pussy. Most gay guys boinked bush in college. They might be curious to see if it's still as disgusting.

Don't show him your boobies; you'll only revolt him or make him jealous.

Don't talk about blowjobs. Gay guys are convinced women don't know a damn thing about decent cock sucking.

Do wear tight jeans, and inform him that you're eager for deep anal action. "Tops" might decide that your bottom is a decent well to drill, if they've swallowed a 6-pack and there's no one else around.

Do tell him your snatch is available, and odorless. Thick-shafted queers appreciate the "self-lubricating" quality of a quim -- your wet largeness might be just what he wants, especially if he's suffered through a recent streak of tight, whiny assholes.

Remember: If you've got a bloody tampon in a horrifically hairy pie, he'll be screaming out of there.

Het males lusting lesbos: If she calls you "girlfriend," you're halfway there. Feminism, pets, and Melissa Etheridge are acceptable topics, but don't be a phony.

Do listen to her, unlike the cad that screwed her in high school. Be intimate, vulnerable -- or fake it convincingly.

Don't ever mention your ugly, smelly balls.

Don't be aggressive. Try to "kiss like a schoolgirl" -- gently, with only the lips. It'll bore you to death, but really -- a savage tongue-dive down her esophagus could ruin everything.

Do her nipples. Nicely. Tell her she's beautiful. Stay on her tits, till her legs wiggle.

Don't ask for a blowjob, stupid.

Don't say retarded shit, like, "Damn! I wanna squirt a stinkin' hot load!"

Don't offer cunnilingus. Lesbians don't believe men know anything about eating a pussy.

Surprise! Dykes who dildo-dip will be content with your heated tool. She'll even want it rougher than straight gals, especially if she's callused her interior with plastic-prodding.

Hank Hyena is a columnist for SFGate.com and a frequent contributor to Salon.