Future Schlock
Space monkeys, protohumans, and smart drunks

Space monkeys. A band of chimpanzees, all of them space monkeys or their descendants, were ordered released from an Air Force detention center in New Mexico where they had been held for more than 40 years. The leader of the group, an alpha female named Lil' Mini, used sign language to express her joy at her freedom, repeatedly telling reporters "Please happy go." The monkeys had been among the first intelligent creatures shot into space, and had been sequestered by the Air Force because they "knew too much." Most of the chimpanzees will be moving to a senior citizen's retirement center near Boca Raton Florida.

See also...
... by Patrick Di Justo
... in the Whoa! section
... from November 16, 1999

Potatoes + beer = brain food. Hungry for learning? Researchers at the University of Toronto have issued a report stating that mashed potatoes and barley can significantly increase one's memory for up to an hour. The current theory is that glucose in the potatoes is transformed into the brain chemical acetylcholine, which has been proven to assist in the formation and retention of the brain interconnections that make memory. Other researchers doubt these findings, arguing that if potatoes and barley are such great brain food, then how come the Irish haven't won a Nobel prize in the sciences since 1951, anyway?

Killer fart lakes. American, Japanese, and European scientists are in the West African nation of Cameroon, trying to prevent two lakes from releasing gigantic farts which can wipe out entire villages. When volcanic Mount Cameroon erupted in March, a buildup of carbon dioxide gas was trapped under nearby Lakes Nyos and Monoun. If released by a small earthquake, the CO2 can bubble up to the surface. Being heavier than the surrounding air, the gas flows down river valleys in a huge toxic cloud. The last time this happened, in 1986, more than 1,800 people were asphyxiated as they slept. The scientists plan to drill a small tube under the lake, which will allow the CO2 to escape slowly into the atmosphere, where it will merely increase the greenhouse effect and kill everybody slowly.

Speedbumps. Hey, dude, those smart-ass doctors at Yale university said that like getting ripped on meth is like bad for your brain, you know… meth… crystal… amphetamines… like how could they hurt you when they make your mind so clear, you know, but these Yale dudes shot up some monkeys with like crystal meth every day for like a month and a half, which most people would be like "where do I sign up for that" and they said that the monkeys came out retarded or something, which like no way proves that crystal can rot a person's brains, you know?

Neanderthal boning. Researchers from Northern Illinois University claim to have proof that another human species co-existed with modern humans in Europe as recently as 28,000 years ago. Bones found in a cave near modern day Serbia are clearly those of a person with a prominent brow, a coarse jaw, and a thick skull -- not Radovan Karadzic, but that proto-human "caveman" stereotype, a Neanderthal. Radiocarbon dating indicates that the Neanderthals lived side-by-side with modern humans in the Balkans for three to four thousand years before humans ethnically cleansed them. It is even likely that humans had mated with Neanderthals -- as anyone who has gotten drunk during Spring Break can confirm.

Patrick Di Justo is 98 percent the same as a chimpanzee.

Future Schlock runs every other Tuesday on GettingIt.