En route to your Godfather's basement to become a made man? Mouth taste like the Australian Men's Rugby Team jacked off in your cat's litter box and then smeared the unsavory result across your palate? Yeah, I thought so. You need Dental Dots -- the disposable adhesive-backed toothbrushes that stick to your finger and include pre-applied fluoride toothpaste! You can use them any time -- on a plane, at work, while being chased by cops through a shopping mall. You don't need water or a sink -- you don't even have to spit! Just scrub one of these puppies across your malodorous mouth-flesh and say "Hello, Freshness!"

When I was a kid, I would have thought the Dental Dot was the coolest thing in the world -- I mean, it's the perfect toothbrush for a highly trained commando humping the boonies in Nam! But kids nowadays want something a little more exciting to convince them to brush. Enter the Time Machine Power Toothbrush. The Times Square of electric toothbrushes, this thing sports lights that flash and visible machinery which pumps away for a full 60 seconds -- which is how long your tykes should be brushing if they don't want their teeth to rot out. Can't you just see little Jimmy giggling as the flashing, garish monstrosity napalms his teeth until there's not a bacterium in sight? Sure you can! The toothbrush head automatically adjusts to properly scrub each surface, and you can buy replacement heads and even a 220-volt adapter. They say it's for kids under six years of age -- but don't worry, I won't tell anybody you're using it instead of a Dental Dot.