Keeping the world happy, shiny, and insipid

Road rage a problem? Yeah, I know, I feel your pain -- just yesterday I put six Teflon rounds into the face of a six-months-pregnant PTA mom while her three young children squalled in their child safety seats, all because the bitch had cut me off and made me miss the exit to my crack dealer's house. Hey, her stupid kids are lucky I didn't have my AK with me.

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from November 10, 1999

But wouldn't it be great if, by flashing some insipid message of idiotic goodwill, you could convert all that rage, pain, anger, and hurt into happy shiny bunny rabbits hopping through the blissed-out minds of a caravan of new-age maniacs? Goddamn right it would! That's why there's the somewhat inappropriately named Road Rage Toy -- I mean, a device which creates love and kindness where there once were clouds of hurtling bullets from .357 Magnums and Uzis is hardly a toy, now is it?

The Road Rage Toy, which runs for a cool $13.50, is basically a big spiralbound notebook with such satori-inducing graphically-rendered charmers as "Hi," "Please Let Me In," "Mooove Over!" (complete with picture of a cow), and the ever-popular "Danger! Booger Flicker!" If such positive messages don't quite capture the volume of your road rage, there's always "Jerk!" "Stupid!" "Traffic Sux!" and "Stop Flicking That!" There are 28 pages in all, including a blank wipe-off page that will allow you to write your own insipid message to add to the cause of automotive inner peace.

Speaking of inner piece, are your kids huffing model glue again? Is little Cecil shooting Mexican brown in the grammar-school bathroom at lunchtime? Mary Jane snorting fine Colombian off the bared midriff of a fellow third-grader while they watch South Park and listen to Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne after school? Hey, it's time you turned the tables on those backward-masking Satanist drug fiends!

Stop letting subliminal messages rot the already decaying brains of your weak-willed kids! Put subliminal messages to work for you! You need the Drug Smart U.S.A. Anti-Drug Sticker. Put it in the corner of your TV set, and your children will receive the subliminal message "I do not use drugs... I do not smoke... I do not drink alcohol" every single time their eyes focus on the grotesquely mutilated corpse of Kenny McCormick.

The message gets driven home once every four seconds -- that's 3,600 times in four hours of TV viewing, the Web site asserts! Why conscientious parents would let their kids watch four hours worth of television in the first place, the site doesn't say -- but hey, if it's going to get your kids off crack, I suppose it's worth letting them veg out to Hollywood Squares for a while. Best of all, it's free! And we all know how expensive drugs are getting, so Drug Smart U.S.A.'s efforts to keep our costs down are very much appreciated.