Innocence Lost
How to seduce a virgin

Virgins are wafting all around us, yearning for deflowerment, chaste angels wishing to surrender their shy genitalia to suitors like you -- if you can charm them with pure intentions.

See also...
... by Hank Hyena
... in the Crave section
... from November 5, 1999

Let's start by studying the virgin species -- those blushing, stuttering boys and skittish coquettes.

Unbedded hotties are generally:

  1. Post-Uglies. An obese acned dog suddenly loses 50 pounds and his/her volcanic complexion. The troll is now human, and humpable.
  2. Religious "Backsliders." Mormons and Muslims often have a "save-it-for-marriage" plan that keeps their pricks or pussies locked up -- until Britney Spears or Ricky Martin makes them wet and willing to whoopee with the sinful mainstream.
  3. Obsessive Superteens. An excellent breed. Perhaps they practiced Olympic figure-skating for eight years, neglecting all social intercourse. Now they're butt-firm and abdominally-tight, toned for some mattress sports.

My advice to hymen-hunters and baby-snake-stalkers: Romantic bouquets and bonbons are necessary, due to fluffy notions about the first time. Scented candles and French phrases are also mandatory. Utter the icky L-word if you can keep a straight face and not barf. It's de rigueur -- no one wants his or her cherry popped by a cad.

If you're patient enough to just "make out" with the virgin for two weeks, you'll be "scoring at will," after that. Your balls or labia might go blue, but there's an up side: virgins are hot kissers. Encourage them to re-teach you all the tongue-swallows and ear-nibbles that you learned in junior high.

Eventually, introduce oral sex. Eat them sweetly, and you'll hear awed whispers like "I've never felt these things before." Lick them lavishly and insist that you've never tasted anything more delicious. Finally, suggest reverently that you would be eternally honored if their divine organ was sacredly joined with your devoted clam or cock.

Proceed slowly now with the virgin mind and meat. They're scared, unsure, and expecting a miracle.

Men: If you've got a big dick, just stick in the soft glans. Only an inch. Leave the hard shaft for next time, unless she's so wet, you're sliding effortlessly. If she's concerned about not reaching a climax, tell her screwing is like smoking dope -- one gets higher the more one does it. This'll make her eager for instant repeats.

Women: Hold him gently when he shoots his first wad. If you're a good actress, fake a simultaneous orgasm, and tell him it's never happened before. Also inform him that his dick-thrusting was pounding your G-spot perfectly. He won't know what you mean, but he'll be proud.

Hank Hyena is a columnist for SFGate and a frequent contributor to Salon.