Accessories for the decaying

If your dream is to look like a skanked-out slut from some bad late-'70s porn movie desperately trying to relive her glory days of group sex, cocaine, and Quaaludes this Halloween, you'll be delighted to browse the stacks at

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from October 25, 1999

Whether you're a 60-something closet crossdresser ready to finally make the big come-out this year at the company Halloween party, a bitchy drag queen using tasteless icons of wannabe femininity to out-mindfuck her cackling wiseass cronettes down at the local gay bar on the 31st, or an aging Miami Beach libertine temptress who's just survived the onslaught of a double-mastectomy and acute alopecia and is ready to kick off her platforms and party on the spookiest day of the year, this is the place to be.

At, you can find the low-rent Farrah Fawcett hair and counterfeit hooters that'll ensure that endless scads of dirty old men at the office, drag bar, or retirement home carve-a-pumpkin-and-play-shuffleboard bash will be lining up by the dozens to gangbang your slutty ass before the end of the night.

But if you're just a voyeur in this land of skank -- and who isn't -- perhaps you'll wander in horror, as I did, through the virtual halls of disembodied breasts and post-mastectomy swimwear, wigs named "Brigette" and "Chana," and their associated curiously inhuman wig-like contraptions that vaguely resemble still-twitching marmots skinned alive and stapled to the foreheads of decaying Bo Derek lookalikes recruited from the dejected also-rans leaving auditions for the J.C. Penney catalog. But don't blame me when you wake up in the lobby of Hell -- I'll already be upstairs, ordering iced drinks from room service.

On the other hand, if you're an early-'80s punk chick at heart and strictly interested in the coke, check out The Garment District where, for $40 bucks a pop, you can pick up a cute little "bob" wig in a variety of colors, namely tiger lily (orange), electric lava (bright orange) and shocking blue. Personally, I'm holding out for meltdown (really bright orange), ground zero (extra-bright orange), and big bang (mind-bendingly bright orange). But that's just me.