Successful marketers know that in today's world, no matter what you're selling, you're not really selling it. You're selling a lifestyle. And so it is, and has ever been, with the Apple Macintosh -- even more so with their new flagship product the iMac. So it shouldn't come as any surprise that Apple's unveiled several new products to bring the iMac more completely into your life -- in that special, personal way.

First, there's the iToilet. Yes, it's a toilet seat made to look exactly like the new iBook, right down to the strange off-teal color. The iToilet is made of soft, cushy material that caresses your bum and utters a soothing tone when you sit down on it. "Welcome to iToilet," the device chimes. To give you an authentic Macintosh experience, the iToilet freaks out and closes any time you try to shit and piss at the same time. Don't even ask what happens if you fart while you're on the toilet. When you're finished doing that thing you doo-doo, the iToilet closes and plays a cute little song before uttering "Thank you for using iToilet" and flushing itself. Also true to Apple style, toilet paper for the iToilet costs five times as much as other toilet paper -- but you know it's worth it. It's a Macintosh.

For that other most personal of acts, Apple recently unveiled the iCondom. Once again rendered in that tasteful shade somewhere between green, blue, and off-bluegreen, the iCondom is cleverly designed to unroll itself onto the penis in question at exactly the right moment during intercourse. That "right moment" is determined by a complex algorithm based on the square root of Steve Jobs' nostril hairs, and is not user-programmable. Possibly inspired by the popular iBrator, the iCondom is clearly another masterful stroke by Apple in their attempt to capture the college market.