Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
I'm normal in every way except one. Once a month I visit my mother. We've always had a good relationship, and as far as I can recall, nothing weird happened when I was growing up.
But before I leave her house I excuse myself to use the restroom. Without fail, a mysterious force draws me to her panty drawer, and I always end up stealing a pair. They're slightly faded, graying, quite large and not particularly attractive. I leave as soon as possible, jump in the car, and before I'm even out of the driveway, they're stuffed to my face, and the sweet scent of Downy fabric softener sends me into spasms of delight. I usually come within a minute and a half. Should I seek professional help?
Signed,
Panty Raider
Dear Raider,
If this is the only way you can get off, I'd recommend a therapist. Since that wasn't in your query, I'd have to agree that you're pretty normal. I know lots of pervs who get off on sniffing oversized dingy pantaloons, but they're usually rescued from the dirty laundry of complete strangers. Maybe the first time you whacked your meat hammer, you hid the evidence in sheets perfumed with the same fabric softener. Since, unfortunately, I wasn't there, that's sheer speculation.
Hasn't Mommy dearest noticed her missing underwear? Maybe she thinks the same goblin who eats just one of her favorite socks in the washer or dryer is responsible. Maybe Mommy wants her little boy to be happy and would be secretly be thrilled. She can't be the object of too much idol worship. Some words of advice: Never, under any condition, confess this to her. If you're ever caught, deny it. With me, your secrets are safe.
Dear Lydia,
Recently I had to call 911. There was a Peeping Tom lurking in my back yard. The rookie cop that showed up to take the call was so irresistible in his uniform, I came on to him. He took the bait and we were screwing each other within five minutes. I squirted so hard I soaked his stun gun. It was amazing! The problem hit on our second date. We were confessing our fantasies. I revealed that screwing him in uniform was one of mine. Then the bomb dropped. He confided he likes to dress up like a baby, wear diapers, be bottle-fed and spanked. The spanking I can deal with but the baby shit -- I just don't know. Should I play along?
Signed,
Rookie Nookie
Dear Nookie,
There are clubs all over the country for this sort of thing, and certainly the Internet would be of some service to adult babies. It's a bigger fetish than any of us can probably imagine.
I'd try it at least once before I gave him the boot. Make him wear the diaper under his uniform -- perhaps combining both of your fantasies in one go. What could be cuter than a baby with a big nightstick?
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.