Look, as you've probably figured out, it's 1999. If you're not telecommuting to a parallel universe or working from home six days a week, you should at least be wearing a sweatshirt, jeans, and running shoes to the office. But if you're one of those poor schnooks who has to follow the company dress code -- or if you're a chick who likes to push the envelope a little -- you can still express your personality through your clothes. Specifically, through your necktie.

No, I'm not talking about those friggin' Roger Rabbit ties, or the ones shaped like penises, or ties that look like fish. If there's anything that screams "I'm a loser," it's that shit. Men of respect, on the other hand, can afford to be a bit more subtle.

Enter Mafia Ties. Made from 100 percent imported woven silk and coming in colors like "Blood Red" and "Polished Chrome," Mafia Ties tell your boss what he wants to hear ("I'm a company man") while subtly implying what you want him to hear ("Don't fuckin' fuck with me, you fuckin' fuck with me you fat fuck and I'll fuckin' have Nicky One-Thumb and Vinnie the Preacher take you for a fuckin' swim with some fuckin' cement overshoes!"). And the logo "Mafia Ties" is emblazoned on the back, so you can flash a not-so-subtle reminder if the fuckin' rompiballe doesn't get the message. Such style. Such panache. Such firepower. They're $29.95, and these guys get their shipping from the Teamsters, so it's complimentary -- but it takes four to six weeks.

If you're not into the rough stuff (because you're a wimp) and/or you'd like to go for a more high-tech look (because you're a big screaming geekmo), you need the Infectious Awareables -- ties, ladies' scarves, and boxer shorts with patterns that tastefully render the cellular structures of such time-honored fashion accessories as Ebola, Plague, Influenza C, Malaria, Cholera, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, Herpes, and Hantavirus, among others. Most of these ties have a "learning note" on the back, which tells you all about the friendly organism you have encircling your neck, streaming down your front, and/or coating your genitals. But best of all -- and I can't decide if this is demented or inspired, maybe both -- a portion of the proceeds from Infectious Awareables goes to research and prevention of the very disease you're turning into a chic postmod fashion statement. You can also choose from several colors for each disease. Now that's something I really wish you could do in real life -- that nasty stomach flu I had last week would really have been less of a bother in a nice burgundy or a navy blue instead of that hideous brownish-green with orange and yellow chunks....