How to make yourself clean and fresh to face your shitty day

If you lay awake at night thinking of all the foul toxins the government and/or the extraterrestrials are putting in your drinking water, you probably drink out of one of those filtered water pitchers. Oh, but you're still showering without a filter, aren't you, dumbfuck?

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from September 10, 1999

Well, did you know you can absorb as much chlorine, lead, environmental toxins and residual chemicals from a 10-minute shower as you would from drinking eight full glasses of unfiltered tap water? That clouds of chlorine get inhaled into your lungs with all that soothing steam? That chlorine can be responsible for brittle hair, dry skin, cancer, birth defects, hemorrhoids, chronic masturbation, and a bad personality?

Kinda makes you feel ... dirty, doesn't it? Get thee to, where you can pick up a Filter Shower Head to strip all those nasties out of the water before you squirt it on your filthy body. I can personally verify that it's easy to install, and it took care of that "YMCA pool" smell my showers used to have.

When you step out of that shower squeaky-clean and free of chlorine, you'll want a soothing heated towel in which to wrap your nekkidness. Hammacher Schlemmer makes a fold-away Towel Warmer that attaches to the wall of your bathroom and swings out of the way when not in use. A 100-watt heating element keeps your towels toasty warm so you can buff your chlorine-free body dry while you think about all the chemicals -- bleaches, dyes, fabric conditioners -- they use to make towels nowadays.