Cramped Conditions
Have sex in small spaces without getting caught

Damn! We wanted to screw but we didn't get the chance!"

See also...
... by Hank Hyena
... in the Crave section
... from October 15, 1999

When I hear this stupid shit I just sneer -- lost shagging opportunities are totally lame. If your orifice is throbbing for a sexy hunk or babe, just fucking do it. I don't care if it's a funeral, their honeymoon, or a packed art museum -- get it on. Don't let trivial barriers keep you from nailing your dreams -- all you need is cleverness, a hiding crevice, and three rut-hungry minutes.

Pud-pussy pounding in the parking lot. Your best friend is snoring at the midnight movie; this means you can messy-flesh with his/her fiancée outside in their tiny Yugo. How to proceed? Completely disrobing is too time-consuming; that's why I suggest "getting nasty, not naked." Unzip only the essentials, and bunch the panties off to one side. Sure, it's like high school; that's why it's so hot.

It's difficult spreading the vagina wide open enough in auto terrain -- that's why my instructions are to sharply angle one leg between the bucket seats, or flail it out the window.

Nookie in the dark. Every crowded party has a private sex sanctuary -- the hall closet. Coyly creep inside with your partner and tie the door shut with a shoelace. Now, two options exist:

  1. Yank all the host's garments and all the guests' jackets off the hangers, and build a fine fuck-nest, or
  2. Grab the coat-rack for balance, and have a sweet stand-up screw. When you reach your woozy climax, vomit quietly on everyone's clothes, then leave.

Rockin' the boat. The CEO's sexy college-age son or daughter has been flirting with you at the company barbecue picnic by the reservoir -- what to do?

Passionately paddle away. Use a rowboat or a canoe -- beat up a child for their inner tube if you have to. Stroke out of view, and keep your heads down. The boss has been "screwing" you, so get sweetly "wet" in revenge -- but do it gently in the center, or the ship will spill your secret.

Toilet turn-on. At stadium rock concerts, you can scamper into port-a-potties and express your ecstasy with new groping pals -- this method can stink without nose-plugs and incense. If you want leisurely fornication, put an out of order sign on the door.

Easy option: Clear your colons first, then "go anal."

Next week: Eating out with ice cream

Hank Hyena is a columnist for SFGate and a frequent contributor to Salon.