Damn! We wanted to screw but we didn't get the chance!"
When I hear this stupid shit I just sneer -- lost shagging opportunities are totally lame. If your orifice is throbbing for a sexy hunk or babe, just fucking do it. I don't care if it's a funeral, their honeymoon, or a packed art museum -- get it on. Don't let trivial barriers keep you from nailing your dreams -- all you need is cleverness, a hiding crevice, and three rut-hungry minutes.
Pud-pussy pounding in the parking lot. Your best friend is snoring at the midnight movie; this means you can messy-flesh with his/her fiancée outside in their tiny Yugo. How to proceed? Completely disrobing is too time-consuming; that's why I suggest "getting nasty, not naked." Unzip only the essentials, and bunch the panties off to one side. Sure, it's like high school; that's why it's so hot.
It's difficult spreading the vagina wide open enough in auto terrain -- that's why my instructions are to sharply angle one leg between the bucket seats, or flail it out the window.
Nookie in the dark. Every crowded party has a private sex sanctuary -- the hall closet. Coyly creep inside with your partner and tie the door shut with a shoelace. Now, two options exist:
- Yank all the host's garments and all the guests' jackets off the hangers, and build a fine fuck-nest, or
- Grab the coat-rack for balance, and have a sweet stand-up screw. When you reach your woozy climax, vomit quietly on everyone's clothes, then leave.
Rockin' the boat. The CEO's sexy college-age son or daughter has been flirting with you at the company barbecue picnic by the reservoir -- what to do?
Passionately paddle away. Use a rowboat or a canoe -- beat up a child for their inner tube if you have to. Stroke out of view, and keep your heads down. The boss has been "screwing" you, so get sweetly "wet" in revenge -- but do it gently in the center, or the ship will spill your secret.
Toilet turn-on. At stadium rock concerts, you can scamper into port-a-potties and express your ecstasy with new groping pals -- this method can stink without nose-plugs and incense. If you want leisurely fornication, put an out of order sign on the door.
Easy option: Clear your colons first, then "go anal."
Next week: Eating out with ice cream
Hank Hyena is a columnist for SFGate and a frequent contributor to Salon.