Viacom Merges With Wrong CBS

Viacom's $37 billion acquisition of CBS hit a snag today when paperwork errors were discovered, revealing the media conglomerate had actually acquired a cookie company headquartered next door to the Tiffany Network.

See also...
... by David Cassel
... in the Whoa! section
... from September 9, 1999

Instead of purchasing CBS, Viacom accidentally acquired Cookies By Shirley -- a much smaller company that sells baked items from a cart outside of the CBS building. The re-structured deal is the highest price ever paid for a sidewalk vendor.

"We were so excited, we forgot to check the address," announced an obviously weary Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone at an emergency session of shareholders. "My bad."

However, Redstone attempted to put a good face on the deal. "What's a communications empire without cookies?" he asked. "Does CBS have cookies? I think not."

Analysts, however, were not so optimistic. "The acquisition is worthless without a milk farm," said Jim Billianifenu of the Brookings Institute. "Viacom may have TV and cookies, but they ain't got milk."

At a joint press conference, Shirley "Ma" Geyster -- proprietor of the cookie stand -- offered her thoughts on the merger.

"My damn cable bill is too high," said Geyster. "And service shorted out during the final episode of Seinfeld. Do these pants make my ass look good? I got 'em at Barney's, suckers. Last week I was shopping at Kmart. Fuck you David Letterman!"

When told that her cookie stand had earned her $37 billion overnight, Geyster struck a philosophical note. "I'm living proof that the American dream can happen for anyone: undeserved corporate riches raining down from a mammoth corporate blunder."

Characterizing her new co-workers as "suit-and-tie monkeys," Geyster then turned over day-to-day operations of the newly acquired cookie stand to Corporate Media Director Maury Griswald -- before leaving for a two-month vacation.


David Cassel knows Greg Brady. He likes monkeys.