Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
For the past year I have been the featured dancer at a local gentleman's club. Like clockwork, my favorite customer comes in for the first quarter of my Friday night shift. He tips well, dresses sharp and is very polite. He's asked to see me outside of work. I've warned him I'm involved with someone and completely monogamous. My life partner is, needless to say, not happy that I'd even consider having coffee with a "client." He accused me of being naive. Should I be suspicious?
Signed,
Cherry Bomb
Dear Cherry,
You're asking the wrong person if you should be suspicious -- I'm paranoid. Question everything and everyone. Like Mr. Polite wasn't out trolling before you came along, he just happened to flounder inside a titty bar looking for a refreshing non-alcoholic overpriced cold beer, when you just happened to saunter up to the pole, raise you legs over your head, split them apart as far as humanly possible and then, with a dainty little flourish, flash your crack in his direction? Please.
So he's well dressed, a big spender and polite. So are Bin Laden and the Prince of Brunei. What exactly are you expecting over coffee? An intelligent and detailed conversation which centers around your platform pumps and D-cups? You're in a steady relationship.
It's hard enough for the partner of a sex worker to deal with the natural insecurities that may occasionally pop up. Unless you want more than conversation, or are trying to cause yourself unnecessary aggravation with the live-in, drop it. Fucking a co-worker is one thing -- at least you're usually both on the same side of the cash register. Mixing business with pleasure often equals disaster. Keep it on a professional level.
Dear Lydia,
I work long hours and despise small talk. Out of frustration, I have taken to frequenting some less than savory strip clubs near the airport. I tip in five-spots and keep to myself. I'll have one drink, then split. One dancer in particular seems to pay undue attention to me, which I enjoy even while realizing it could be just a come-on for more cash. (Her stretch marks tell me she might have kids.) Should I ask her out?
Signed,
Dollar Bill
Dear Bill,
Stripping, like all sex work, is harder to pull off than it looks. It is often emotionally taxing, physically draining, and to be profitable takes up almost as many hours a week as your average nine-to-five. Then there's the clients to consider -- jerk-offs like you who notice the cellulite, acne and stretch marks which road map a woman who may indeed be well worn, but is not yet ready to be put out to pasture.
Do the gal a favor, tip her a ten (help pay off the kid's tuition) and keep it on the level it's already sunk too. If she wants a date, she'll let you know.
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.