Getting Even
How to avenge yourself against human rabbits and other dorks

Has sex become a big fucking bore? Does Viagra make you long for Quaaludes? Have you thought about penis enlargement, breast enhancement or Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation? Sick of S/M, B&D, piercing, porno, and tattoos? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.

See also...
... by Lydia Lunch
... in the Crave section
... from September 9, 1999

Dear Lydia,

I finally dropped the dork I was porking and now I'm furious -- not only did he give me the crabs and a bladder infection, but he stole my favorite Frederick's of Hollywood panties, a pair of red patent pumps, and my espresso maker! I could just kill. Any legal suggestions?


Puking Mad in the Mission

Dear PM,

The bastard needs some heavy-handed retribution. Perhaps a two-by-three foot cut-and-paste poster featuring the hero decked out in the gear he pilfered and the headline "Diseased Transvestite Thief with Irritable Bowel Syndrome Last Seen Stalking the Mission District. Highly Contagious -- $500.00 Reward Offered for Sightings." Plaster his entire neighborhood in powder pink posters. Take out personal ads in the back section of the weekly rags that read "SWM who loves being your potty... Use me, use my mouth." List his phone number.

Have an affair with his mother. Call her up crying over her little darling. Ask to come over to her place for coffee and comfort. Seduce her with a back rub and an electric vibrator. Moms need love too, and are usually so sexually frustrated they're ready to try anything. She'll probably give you more bump per hump than her petulant little dumpling.

Of course, ignoring the asshole while showing up at his favorite haunt with a hot Latin lover (or two) in tow that can't keep their hands off you might work just as well.

Dear Lydia,

I just moved into an amazing apartment, the only problem is the neighbors on the floor below. They bellow like fucking banshees. She makes the most irksome caterwauling I have ever been privy to. It's just plain obnoxious and it sounds like he's killing her. I can't sleep, I'm losing weight, I have bags under my eyes, and am masturbating more than I did as a twelve-year-old. I don't want to appear unfriendly, but they're making me sick!


Rear Window

Dear Rear Window,

Get yourself a twenty-dollar pocket recorder. Stick it out the window, or up against the floorboards next time they're shrieking with delight. Drop it in their mailbox with a gentle reminder about noise pollution. Ask them to consider soundproofing, ball gags, or gaffer tape. If they won't cooperate, invest in a carpet and ear plugs. Buy some porn and play it with Live Audio from the floor below. As a last resort, complain to the landlord, who is probably well aware of the problem. If he won't intervene, call the police -- which I recommend only under extreme duress -- if all else fails, including your health.


Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psychotherapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.