Modern cures for the nighttime malady

"Sleep deprived nights lead to irritation, tiredness, and a possible growing division or alienation between partners," says the Silent-Nite Web site. I just don't know what they're talking about -- hey, if you really love your husband, then the sound of a 747 taking off once every six seconds for eight hours should really be a small price to pay. In case you don't agree with me, Silent-Nite is an herbal product that shrinks the soft tissue in the back of the throat that often causes snoring. It also helps to eliminate excess mucus buildup, which is always a benefit when you're trying to get cozy with your partner. Hey, since I, um, don't have a snoring problem, I can't say for sure whether it works or not -- but I woke up without bruises for the first time since my girlfriend moved in...

See also...
... by Thomas S. Roche
... in the Scope section
... from October 8, 1999

If you prefer not to go for an herbal remedy, try the Breathe-Fit. It's a funky little paperclip-like thing that you shove up your nose...or, more accurately, that you clip to your septum (that thing that separates your nostrils) like the tit-clamp of a particularly vicious dominatrix. The gentle pressure on your nostrils opens up the airways and quiets snoring. Alternately, you can just cram a couple of cardboard toilet-paper tubes up your nose -- I hear that works wonders.