Has sex become a big fucking bore? Are you considering drastic measures to reinvigorate your libido as it suffers from pre-millennial stress? Lydia understands. You need an injection of Tough Love.
Dear Lydia,
Okay, I'm an idiot. I met "Viggo" at an adult video awards ceremony in Vegas. I spent a dirty weekend with him at a crappy motel, and even though we were loaded, the sex was safe. So far, so good. Until my brother sends me files he downloaded from an online porn site. They were of me: Getting undressed, giving head, having my cheeks pulled apart and spat into. The asshole must have had an instamatic in his duffel bag. Needless to say, I'm horrified. I don't know where to track "Viggo" down, and haven't a clue as to my recourse if I did.
Signed
Desert Flower
Dear DF,
Another pitiful tale of woe I've heard once too often. You were in Sin City, out of your gourd, trolling for close encounters with aliens deranged enough to be amused by mainstream porno, and you regret the consequences? Please. It could have been much worse.
He could have had a video camera, then you'd really be pissed. Even all of Pamela Lee's money didn't buy her justice when it came down to it in a court of law. Your only recourse is to learn to frisk the next freak you pick up.
Besides, most Web sites profit from their rapid turnover, so you'll probably be wiped from the site in no time -- especially if the photos suck.
Learn from your mistakes. No one is to be trusted -- especially one-night stands.
Dear Lydia,
I don't get out much, so I don't date very often. The only sex I seem to get is with married women who hit on me in the checkout lines at Piggly Wiggly's when I'm stocking up on TV dinners. I think they feel sorry for me. I'm fairly attractive, but I am an amputee. Sometimes I feel guilty, especially when I hear the kids come home from school and I'm still screwing their mommy in the woodshed. Any advice?
Signed
One-Armed Jack
Dear Jack,
It's not pity you inspire -- it's lust. Whose panties wouldn't get in a twist, salivating over the thought of your greasy stump, revved up and raring to go where few men have gone before. Obviously most women don't have a problem dating "less than perfect" men. It's not only a ritual -- it's a habit.
And horny housewives need love too. You're doing the community a favor and maybe even saving some marriages. One word of caution: Split before school gets out. It's Mom's business what she does in the afternoon, but most kids are notorious blabbermouths.
Lydia Lunch is a confrontational media-manipulator who has explored and exploited the written and spoken word, music, film, video, theatre, photography and sculpture. She is notorious for practicing public psycho therapy for the past two decades in an attempt to dissect the origin of obsessions.