What is the ultimate pillow? Would it have the perfect ergononomic design? Offer heat or cold therapy on demand? And would it … talk to you?

Well, the Pillow Talker from the Johns Hopkins-based InteliHealth Healthy Home store doesn't talk to you, but it plugs into your stereo system so you can listen to soft music (Social Distortion, let's say, or Motorhead, or Marilyn Manson) while you sleep without wearing headphones. Ever wanted your pillow to make noise? Sure you do! Especially if your spouse snores. And besides, who can you buy your bedding from if not one of the world's foremost medical institutions? I foresee brutal competition from Yale…

An even more advanced model, the Sleeping Solutions Pillow, offers pre-programmed soothing sounds to lull you to sleep. The ergonomic design cradles you between the teats of Mother Nature! And the memory-foam material adjusts to the shape of your head and neck while you listen to the serenade of the rainforest. Just don't blame me if you wake up back in the jungles of 'Nam.