Listen up, Pansy: Yo Momma is not here to take care of you! Daddy will not bail you out! This here is hard-core military shit, dogface, and you will look and feel your best if I have to beat you into submission to get you there! You are about to experience the most grueling military training known to man! Sixty percent of the recruits who enter this training program run sobbing back to their cushy desk jobs with the knowledge that they are worthless scum not fit to lick a SEAL's sweaty armpit or eat a noseful of his snot! Are you ready to find out what you're made of? I said are you ready to find out what you're made of?

Good! Sit down and pop Scott Helvenston's Navy SEAL Training Camp video into the machine! Put those feet up, and that's an order! Tear open that bag of Cheetos! Watch as Master Chief Helvenston leads his recruits through the same grueling workout endured by Navy SEAL trainees! View their agony! Laugh at their pain! Flip 'em the bird as they crawl through the mud! Ridicule them when they fail! Open another Meisterbrau and add some poundage to that flabby yuppie butt of yours! Fire up the bong and cook those brain cells until they whimper like lobsters in a boiling pot! Am I understood? I said am I understood? I can't hear you!

All right, now that you've been beaten into shape, for the final touch to your couchbound training, you will strap on the Navy SEAL Dive Watchfrom your good friends Gen. Hammacher and Lt. Col. Schlemmer! It's the watch used by actual Navy SEALs who need to know whether they've blown up the bridge on time. You will oooh and aaah at the gas micro-lights on the hands and the fact that those suckers will run continuously for 25 years! You will dive 660 feet under water -- either that or you'll just take my word for it -- where your watch will function perfectly! Now, can I hear a "Sir, yes sir!"?